Pause

I have not written a blog post in ages. A whole year, actually. Not that I haven’t want to. Actually, I think about writing at least twice a week. I miss the release that is brings when I am able to get my thoughts and ideas onto paper (screen), and process them properly. I also miss documenting our lives’ events in real time. I like to believe that one day the kids will find it cool (or at least of some sentimental value) to look back on. 

So, in an attempt to be more disciplined about doing this - and enjoy it as I do, here is an update:

I’m thinking about… my boy, Zac. It’s been 44 days since I last saw him (who’s counting though), and I still have 12 to go. I don’t know if it’s because we have Harper now, or if it’s because he’s turning 11 on Sunday and we’ll be apart for aa second birthday in a row (probably both), but I miss him something fierce. No one thinks they’ll only have 9 uninterrupted years with their child. It feels like it was yesterday that I was home on maternity leave with him…

I’m watching… Hudson & Rex. It’s a B-grade Canadian procedural drama focused on a police detective (Charlie Hudson) and his canine partner (Rex). Sam was the first to see an episode, and he loved it so much, we went back to Season 1 (of 5), and started watching it all together. It’s wholesome viewing and quality time; I think the only downside is that we are expecting Badger to behave like Rex. Not quite a fair comparison, I realise. 

I’m listening to… Coldplay. We've been following their Music of the Sphere's World Tour (we even got access to listen to one of the Paris concerts live - it was amazing), and pining over the fact that they have no South Africa dates. The kids really enjoy Coldplay too, and we have promised them that one day we will all go to the concert together (Gosh, I hope they do return here soon, or this is going to be a very expensive exercise). Until then we party in the lounge, in the car - pretty much anywhere we can sing and dance along. 

I’m loving… having Harper. It sounds weird, but finding out about her, and accepting what my life was going to become was a difficult adjustment. But since then, I have learnt to look at it differently. I am so acutely aware of all that I’m being given the opportunity to do again, this time knowing that I won’t get another chance, and intentionally being present to enjoy it all. I wish I didn’t have to return at work for a little while longer. 

I’m busy… raising four kids. Most of the time it's more like three. Some of the time it's five. Let me tell you some things I know so far:

1. The change in chaos from three kids to four is negligible.

2. Based on my personality and tolerance for drama, boys are easier (at least they have been so far).

3. You truly experience the quality of sibling relationships in adulthood when you are raising your own children.

4. There's actually very little that children really need - once you figure this out, children aren't nearly as expensive as they seem. 

5. You never regret the children you had; only those you didn't. 

I’m going to… work again soon. Here's what I've learnt from my four kids. No matter how much maternity leave you get, it's never enough. I know I'm not build to be a stay at home mom, but still. Also, I'm turning 40 and I never expected to still be teaching (every day, outside in the elements) at this stage of my life. I even considered a career change (well, only as far as wanting a career change, and trying to thing of careers I may be good at). 

I’m battling with… my weight, my self esteem, and my quality of life. They go together, after all. I need to be transparent here, because I know I’ll read this back on this some time from now, and hopefully I will have moved on from this space. I was a little too carefree in my pregnancy. Call it emotional eating, I don’t know. I was pleasantly surprised though that I managed to hold it together, and I felt in decent shape during and after Harper’s birth. I was after that, that the wheels came off, and I now sit weighing more than I had at the height of my pregnancy, with over 10kg to lose. It’s devastating for me. I want to be active and healthy, and fit into my clothes, and I’m just none of the above. As a result, I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. How do you get out of this kind of worry - eat - hide cycle? And how to I model body positivity for my girls? I won’t lie, there are times I’m hoping for a stomach bug…

I’m resolving to… set boundaries. Those who know me well know that I pride myself in successfully fitting large things into little things. Whether it’s packing a suitcase, or cramming in work; I make it happen. But I can’t anymore. I don’t want to anymore. I want to travel light so I can enjoy all the places I go and people I’m interacting with. It’s one thing to want, and another to do, so let’s see how this goes. I’m putting it out here so I can be held accountable. Wish me luck!

Well, that seems about as good a return to posting as any.

Ps. There are a couple of short posts I wrote on my phone / in a note that I’ll post when they were written.

An Almost Perfect 10

Ten years ago today, I became a mother. It sounds like a cause for celebration - I mean: it is, but it also isn’t. Not today, anyway. After all, how do you really celebrate something without the guest of honour actually being present?

When Zac was born, I wasn’t a young mom - I was 29 that year, and probably thought I knew a bit. I didn’t. I had no clue about all that life had in store for us. And perhaps that wasn’t the worst thing, because I’m not sure I would have volunteered to undertake this particular journey had I known all the ways in which it would stretch, scare, and surprise me. For sure, I never pictured a life where my son, by his 10th birthday, had already left the nest.

Like many others have mentioned to me lately, I often need reminding that Zac is only 10. Sure, he has grown and matured significantly since the start of the year, but then there have also been signs right from the start. He’s always been a little more independent, a little wiser than his years, holding us a little further away, with a slightly looser grip. And it’s always been a double-edged sword for us: such admiration for the young man developing before us, and such reluctance to have to let him go so soon.

It has been an incredible first decade, and while I don’t know what to expect of the next, here’s what I do know: Zac James, you are my boy. No matter where in the world you ever are, you are always with me: pumping through my veins, occupying my thoughts, whispered in my prayers, swelling up my heart. I thank God for your life, and His calling on it, and pray that He will continue to guide, equip and protect you as His plans for you unfold. Continue to trust Him; He won’t let you go.

Happy birthday Cooks. I am so proud of you, and I can’t wait for you to come home so that I can hold you close and take you all in. I love you!