A Sweetness Worth Savouring

A photo came up in my memories on Facebook this week. It was of Zac and Sam, and (the photo) was only a year old, but I hardly recognized the younger boy in the pic to be the same person as the boy in my home.

Sam started “big” school this week. At nearly four years old, he joins the Nursery class (equivalent to pre-reception), so this is the start of formal education for him. He has to wear a uniform, and even have Phys Ed lessons. It’s kind of a big deal.

And yet Sam’s response to this all has been remarkably mixed. On the one hand, he has recognized this as a significant milestone in his life, and has exuded excitement over it for at least a month. He could not stop smiling at himself in the mirror when he tried on his uniform, and eagerly packed his bag ready for the first day. But then, when we arrived at school on Monday, he walked in like he’d been doing school forever. He put his bag in his cubby, unpacked his lunch and water bottle to their designated places, and then split to the playground to play. No tears. No lingering hugs. No fuss at all.

On occasions like these I am always reminded of the paradox of parenting: how we strive to foster independence in our kids, while wanting to maintain their need for us, at least a little bit. How your heart can burst and bleed at once. It is also a reality check of how quickly time is going by. One minute we’re still cradling our babies in our arms, and the next, they’re graduating high school. 

I compared the pictures of Sam, only a year apart, and saw two different people. Which is why, again, I am resolving to be more present with my kids. It’s something I’m beginning to say to myself every year – and I pray I continue to until they reach adulthood. Whatever phase(s) we find ourselves in, be it the early years of dribble and diapers, the tantrums and non-stop talking of toddlers, the school years that bring sulks, I mean, success and social changes – each season has a sweetness somewhere worth savouring. 

The Star Chart

Who knew the power of a laminated page and a set of stickers - certainly not I, or I would have started this years ago! Where has this magic been all my parenting life?

Psychology agrees, there is power in a correctly utilised reward system - like the Star Chart. It's a wonderful tool to encourage good behaviour patterns, discourage negative traits, and reward children for acquiring new skills, creating new (good) habits, and learning responsibility. I think it benefits the parents too: if nothing else, it helps us to focus on the positive in our children (and let's be honest: we all fall into the trap of only seeing the bad sometimes),  Of course, I do realise, there is a window in which one can use this most effectively. And at last - hallelujah - this window in my life has opened!

Here are some of the guidelines that I have followed, in this hopes that this will work out for them and me:

1. Tasks
I quickly realised that the desired results - behaviour, tasks and responsibilities - were going to be different for each boy. After all, they are three years apart, with vastly different abilities. Also, they are battling different things, and the chart needs to reflect the areas in which we - and they - would like to see improvement. So, we have two charts: one for Zac, and one for Sam. There is some overlap (like ensuring their teeth are brushed, or going to bed on time) but for the rest, they are pretty individualised.

2. Target
It's important that the target - in our case, a certain number of stars per week - is something that is not elusive, but also not a given. We have set different targets for the boys, based on their age and the chance of them achieving their respective daily goals, and made it something that is attainable with a bit of consistent effort on their parts.

3. Triumph
Each child also has their own reward, that we agree on together. I get that if they are not each involved in their reward, it's simply another thing I have added to their list of things to do and rules to keep. Getting them involved in choosing their prize, means they are invested in it, and committed to do whatever to receive it. Zac tends to go with bigger (more expensive) rewards, so we have to break it up in chunks. Setting too high a target that will take a longer time to achieve is going to run out of motivation steam fast. A series of smaller rewards that add up to the big one will help him keep his eye on the prize.

4. Timing
Consistency is key - from both sides. If I want their new behaviour to continue beyond the lifespan of the chart, I have to ensure that I catch them doing the right thing, acknowledge it immediately, and not delay on promised rewards. While I don't believe it's necessary to make a song and dance of it each time (I mean: heaven forbid these kids should grow up wanting fanfare every time they do what they should be doing anyway), I do have to confirm for them that they are improving in whatever they are doing. And, while we're at it - let's encourage them to do these things with excellence rather than mediocrity.

The excitement this addition to the kitchen wall has made, is beyond me. It's been just two days, and already Zac can make a bed near military standards. Both boys are eager to please - long may it last!

Namaste India!

Papu and Yaya are off to India! They finally managed to get it together and synchronise their schedules to do a travel trip together!

Last year, they hosted a businessman from India on a local trip. They spent three intense days taking them to places and showing them around, and as part of the thank you, they were invited to visit them in India. And so that's where they've gone.

But no trip is complete without the entire troop of grandchildren taking the trip to the airport to say goodbye. Between seeing the planes, hanging out in play areas, and getting some grub, this is an outing none of them ever want to miss, so they jumped at the opportunity to do so. Ashleigh and I - by default - drew the short straws and accompanied them. Yes, you read correctly: seven kids (six aged six and under) with two adults. As Ashleigh said, listing their ages out loud, "one, two, three, six, six, six (and nine) - we should have seen the warning!".

But we survived. And scored some snacks in the deal. The kids said sad goodbyes to their Papu and Yaya before heading home. Now to enjoy the peace and quiet - for them, I mean. Of course.

New Beginnings

Change makes me anxious. There. I said it. Even when I know it's for the best; even when it's a change I want to make, it still makes me anxious because change makes things unpredictable - at least for the first time - and not being prepared or having things under control is what gets to me.

It's funny how the mind works. I often feel nervous the night before the start of a new term (alright, honestly, I can feel a little bluesy at the start of a new week, but who's counting?), but since joining a school with Northern Hemisphere calendars, this is the middle of the year, and I feel somehow that there would be less apprehension from my side, except that this month marks new starts for Zac, Sam and Bayley, and so I have enough to consider for them all!

When we booked our trip last May, we did so without thinking about the fact that I may move jobs, and the kids change schools. It's for this reason that when we arrived home yesterday, we were already three days late for Zac's school term, and two for Bayley's. Safe to say: there was a lot of back-to-school prep going on to well into last night.

This morning Zac woke early. That's his thing. I think sometimes that, like me, he likes to get a hold on things before everyone else adds to the mix. He was already dressed and almost ready to go when we had to see to the other two, so things ran pretty smoothly at home this morning. It continued into the traffic which was - very unusually for the first full week of school - almost non existent!

We dropped Bayley first. Enter mom guilt. It dawned on me that at 15 months old, Bayley is entering the world of school (that it, not at Yaya's daycare) more than a year earlier than Sam did, and more than two years earlier than Zac. She walked in independently. I suppose it helps when you brothers are with you holding your hands. We made our way to her classroom, and she immediately went to the mat and started some parallel play with the other kids. I, once again, was caught in the chasm between wanting her to want me, and being so pleased that she didn't. I wanted to leave while she was happy, and I wanted to stay and watch her settle in. Enter dad logic aka "just go". So we left (admittedly, we also still had to take Zac to school). But as I pulled away, I heard her crying from the window, and I wished I'd stayed.

Thankfully, Zac, for all his stresses, does not stress about going to school. He confessed to me that he felt nervous, but added that he was very excited too. And although he was pretty quiet going in (did I mention he looks even smaller compared to his new classmates), I saw him enter his classroom with conviction, and then confidently start chatting to his new teacher.

I have one more of these mornings to go through with Sam next week. I imagine there'll be a lot more emotion to process between now and then. For the meantime though, these are my overwhelming feelings:

Gratitude: I am so very grateful for the blessing I have in the form of my children. To say that they can drive me demented is a gross understatement, still, they make my heart swell with love and pride for all they are learning and how well they are developing.

Blessing: I consider myself so blessed to be able to have the means to send my kids to places they can be cared for, and especially to have been home today to see them off. I am more determined than ever to be present for these moments, acutely aware that each first only comes once, and once you miss it, you can't get it back. I intend to take full advantage of these moments this year.

Resolve: I am keeping check on succumbing to the many parental pressures and censure I have subject myself to. It's about time I realised that I'm doing the best I can, and that's ok. In fact, it's more than ok; it's enough. If I can be at peace with that, Andel and the kids will get more of the best of me, more of the time.

Here's to Great Expectations in 2019!

The Journey: UK to Cape Town

Well, it wouldn't be a trip to the UK if it didn't have a little drama somewhere.

If you've been following the blog and read some of the old posts, you'll know that in 2011 we found ourselves doing what felt like an episode of the Amazing Race, and then again in 2014 (I don't even think I blogged about it) we were racing to and through Stansted Airport trying not to miss the flight home - Andel with the luggage; me with Zac and a 6 month pregnant belly!

Anyway. Until Saturday afternoon, we had not had a single dramatic event this holiday. Then we arrived at Victoria Station.

Context:
Since we had accumulated an additional two suitcases on this holiday, we could no longer all fit into the car and drive to the airport. So, the plan was for me to take the kids on the train for a more comfortable and exciting journey. And because Christopher was heading back to Cardiff anyway, he was going to come with me, and then take the coach from Victoria after we'd left.

Catch #1:
When booking the train tickets, Andel had thought our flight was at 21h00. It was actually at 20h00. So while we would not yet be late in arriving at the airport, we wouldn't exactly be early either.

Circumstances:
So Christopher, the kids and I left for London around lunch time on Saturday. Andel and Aunty Lynne waited for Uncle Eddie to finish golf so that they could drive down with the luggage. We arrived in London around 15h00, and leisurely took them on the tube to Victoria where we walked around a bit to show the kids the London buses they love so much.

Catch #2:
We expected there would be a chance we would not be able to change our ticket from Victoria to the airport to an earlier one, so we were prepared to wait to 17h00, and took the kids somewhere they could sit and snack in front of the iPad to pass the time. What we did not expect was for the train to run late. First 15 minutes to 17h15. Then another 11 minutes to 17h26. Then another nine minutes to 17h35. At this point, Andel was already at the airport, unable to check our luggage in, because we were not all there with our passports. I could write a pretty long piece on just what was going through my mind at that time. Thank God for Christopher who is 100% comparable to my comprehension and computation styles, and therefore a blessing to travel with.

Conclusion:
Our train left at 17h45, and stopped between stations three times on the journey to the airport due to signalling and other similar glitches. We got to the airport at 18h20, checked in at the Priority Services, sailed through security, and managed to board at 19h00 with everyone else.

We had a good flight, all things considered. Even with some turbulence, the kids all slept, and when they were awake, were well-behaved and polite to the steward staff and other passengers*. We arrived in Cape Town a little ahead of time, and made it seamlessly through baggage reclaim and customs.

* I actually have to say: this has been the part of the trip they have impressed me most, and based on this, I would definitely travel with them again!

So now we're home, and straight back to reality!

Day 33: Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. I have had to do them too many times, for different reasons, throughout my life, and they hurt too much. So much so, in fact, that I have almost successfully programmed my response to one of complete external numbness before and during the process, just to cope. It probably isn't really a healthy strategy longterm. I mean, inevitably, it all catches up to me, I lose the plot, and the proverbial pawpaw hits the fan.

This goodbye is no different. I mentioned in a previous post that I always book my holidays for as long as possible - and I don't regret it; still, the longer I stay, the more difficult it is to say goodbye after.

We have been in the UK 33 days. We have become part of the fibre of the families and communities that we have been visiting, and they have become part of ours. We have our collective unique routines and particular habits, and they'll be hard to break.

Personally, I would rather do it hard and fast - like ripping a bandaid off an ouchie. I avoid eye contact, speak minimally, and walk away without looking back. Later, I usually send the words in my heart via a contemplative and meticulously composed text (I'm not a phone person) so that I don't have to see the response, and they don't have to see mine - usually in the form of a good, long sob.

For better or worse, today is rough. We're all taking the trip to London together, so it'll be the unabridged farewell. It may or may not help that I have work and the kids have school this week, so we'll all be busy and distracted. Spare a thought for Andel though: it's only a matter of time before he'll be mopping up pawpaw at our house.

Day 32

What comes first: the packing or the pique?

I have spent the day furiously packing. I use the word furious deliberately. It was not a peaceful exercise. I'm not sure if I started packing because of the angst and restless of the pending goodbye, or if it was the packing that annoyed me. Either way, Andel and the kids steered clear.

We arrived in the UK with two large suitcases. This was mostly due to the fact that we were going to make a cross country trip by train, and I couldn't see us managing more than one suitcase each with kids in tow as well. I was not wrong: at times, even the two suitcases were too many. I was super proud though that we managed to pack for five in those bags anyway.

Fast forward a month. We are going home with four suitcases! Before I rearranged everything today, we had one large suitcase filled only with toys, deliveries and Christmas gifts - and it weighed nearly 20kg! Thankfully, the trip to London tomorrow allows for baggage assistance, otherwise I don't know how we'd take all this stuff home!

With the bags mostly packed, and almost everything prepared for the Great Trek tomorrow, I'm off to enjoy dinner with the family. There's a proper play place there that promises to be fun - and hopefully tire the kids out enough to go straight to sleep when we get home.

One night to go. I think it'll be a late one soaking in as much of what's left as possible.

Day 31: ...With Kids

Before embarking on this trip a good number of well-meaning people happened to mention just how crazy - and brave (I'll give them that) - they thought we were for choosing to travel with our kids. Admittedly, the early years prior big school is not exactly the easiest phase of parenthood, and having three in five years, all under the age of six is probably a little unorthodox.

If nothing else, the logistics of things get complicated. Like today. We went into the City alone - something we've put off for 30 days! Everyone is back at work which makes it both wonderful and worrying. Wonderful to be on free-flowing streets, absent of maddening crowds, and subject to many end-of-season sales. Worrying to be on our own in a place we don't really know, and - even more so - with our kids! But how do two people keep track of three independent, constantly-moving, adventurous kids? Even with Bayley in a buggy - that leaves only one parent with two brassy boys!

Enter Christopher. This self-confessed "favourite uncle" has been a God-send. With an endless supply of energy, and just enough strict, he was an all-in-one solution for our increased sense of stress.

We took the bus from almost right outside the house. The boys, fascinated even by the bus stop, were over excited and already silly. One stern word and a threat of canceling some pending plans with Chris, and they calmed down. I think they may have even sat still on the bus - I was downstairs with Bug, so I can't be sure. It certainly was quiet.

With kids, spending hours anywhere inevitably comes with things like: being hungry (although my boys are constantly hungry), being too tired to walk (usually Sam, who at three is exceptionally lazy), getting bored (especially while Mommy is doing essential back-to-school shopping), and, eventually, falling asleep. Chris pretty much single-handedly solved this problem by facilitating lunch, carrying Sam, entertaining the boys, and pushing the buggy.

This holiday with the kids has definitely not been my most carefree. We have literally not spent more than the hour or so between the kids and us being awake or sleep apart. There are things Andel and I would have liked to do or experience more of, that we've not been able to because of having little ones with us. Still, we wouldn't have done it any other way.

We are so convinced of the immense benefits of traveling like this, for us as individuals and as a family unit, we are already dreaming about another trip. Thank goodness the kids will be older though!

Day 30: Family

Being here has really reiterated the concept of family* for me.

Family is why we saved for years to bring our family-of-five half way across the world - some to meet each other for the first time. It's probably also why, despite spending nearly every waking (and sleeping) moment together, we have not yet lost the plot - not entirely, anyway.

It is why The Webers and Grahams invited us into their homes, and why Dan gave up his room and his bed for a temporary one, for an entire month!

Family is what has driven Uncle Eddie and Aunty Lynne - Tarrin too - to do ridiculously lavish things for three kids they hardly knew (two they'd never met) before us arriving here. This is the reason they (my kids) have more clothes, shoes, toys and treat than we can actually fit into our luggage.

It is because of family that we made a five-hour trip to Wales, stayed only two nights, and then drove back - to see Christopher. It is also why Christopher is here after an eight hour journey by coach, to see us before we go home.

Only family would drive nearly two hours to the airport, borrow larger cars, and rope in others to provide additional transport to accommodate my growing brood.

Family must be something really special if Tim, who is both so busy and so involve that apparently you hardly see him during the week, has been home spending time with us.

And the irony of family is this: in spite of being family, we would so much like to return all these favours, and somehow adequately thank everyone for all they've done for us, and yet because we are family, no one expects - or wants - us to.

Uncle Ed, Aunty Lynne, Chris, Tim, Dan, Karl, Tarrin, Isla and Luke:

There actually aren't any words or kind gestures that can fully express our deep gratitude to you for all you have done for us. You have considered every little detail of our stay here, and made every moment magical and memorable. It is our prayer that you will remember these times fondly, and that God will bless you abundantly for your generosity and kindness. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.

Day 22 - 29: Ireland

I knew eight days wouldn't be enough. Not with nearly three years of lost time to make up for.

The last time the Grahams and Klaasens were together in one place was when Tarrin was down in South Africa in February and March of 2016. Sam turned one during that trip. Isla and Zac were too little to really make friends, and Luke was still a wee baby. I only had two children!

As a rule I always book overseas holidays for as long as possible. When you consider how long it takes to save, and how much it costs to get visas and flights, it just isn't worth it any other way. Coming to the UK has been great in that have always been able to do three visits in one, still, it's hard to break the time up conveniently for everyone. And that's how we landed up with (only) eight days in Ireland.

We arrived on New Year's Day morning after a pretty early drive to the airport (thanks to Aunty Lynne). Karl met us at the airport and we head straight to The Glens with one purpose in mind: to soak in every second of being there. I deliberately left my iPad and laptop behind (now my work is behind, but anyway), and made a point of using my phone only to capture some memories. Seeing Tarrin when we arrived was like being transported back into time; to 2016 right where we left off.

The one thing we (the adults) were a little worried about was how the kids were going to hit it off. Just because parents are great friends doesn't always mean the kids will be - especially if you only see each other every couple years. But we shouldn't have been concerned; the kids welcomed each other into their space, and got on so well - making breakfast for each other in the morning, playing all day, and flooding the bathroom together at night.

We spent the next week catching up, building new bonds, and making more memories. We had a picnic on the beach (yes, in Ireland, in the middle of winter); we walked to the park; we had a nature treasure hunt on a neighbour's farm. The days were full of family adventure, and the nights of adult conversation, movies, boardgames and puzzles over wine and good cheese.

The thing I love most about the Grahams is how effortlessly we do life together. Tarrin and I have been friends for 12+ years now, and we would still make the effort to reconnect if that were all we had; but the truth is, we all connect. Andel and Karl connect. The kids connect. We all just fit. And that's what makes leaving so hard every time.

The airport goodbye was sad. There were long hugs and many tears. I was grateful for the distraction of getting a family of five past security and through the flight. But on the dark and quiet drive back to Norfolk it all caught up with me, as I knew it would, and my heart is sore.

It's no secret, for years we have longed - cried - to be closer to each other to be able to do more of the everyday life together - to navigate the journey of marriage and family; to be part of the village that raises our children. Truthfully, I still do. I am grateful, though, that despite the distance, and regardless of the time, that special something remains; the something that turns friends like these into family.

Packing up the dreams God planted 

In the fertile soil of you

Can't believe the hopes He's granted

Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone

'Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never

'Cause the welcome will not end

Though it's hard to let you go

In the Father's hands we know

That a lifetime's not too long

To live as friends

With the faith and love God's given

Springing from the hope we know

We will pray the joy you'll live it

Is the strength that now you show

And we'll keep you close as always 

It won't even seem you've gone

'Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

~ Michael W. Smith ~