2019 Progress Report

After the success we had on the Family Bucket List earlier this year, I really thought we were going to blaze through them. And then life caught up with us, and we were chasing them all at the end. Here's a look at what we managed to get done...

I'm pleased to say that we managed 18 of the 25 items. Mathematically it doesn't sound like much, but if you consider that we got some of the bigger ones, I'm pretty pleased. I also think that it's better than we did in 2018, so at least we're making progress.

What we did well is shown in green, and there are a couple separate posts throughout the year on these. Still, there needs to be a special mention for these:

• Eating out - it took some planning and budgeting, but we managed it.
• Being in the moment - spontaneity isn't really my bent, so I'm pretty chuffed we got this.
• Limiting time on phones - I have to admit that Andel has been the best at this!
• Practising apologising quickly - only by God's grace!

Things we'll have to focus on next year:

• Playing more board games - Zac is into scrabble, and we recently did a date day doing this together, but we're going to have to come up with more than that to have the other kids join in too, and with so many family options on offer, we really should just get on with it.
• Better communication - maybe letter writing is lost on this generation, so we're going to go with voice notes, text messages and videos. Let's be relevant here!
• Cook a self caught fish on the braai - this is the goal! Camp. Fish. Braai. Good luck to us. We've never really done any of that together before.
• Create a photo wall - this is shameful. I have canvas vouchers and plenty of gorgeous pics. If I don't do this before April there is no hope for me.
• Grow a house plant - I'm not sure I have the space or patience to do this, so I'm going to plant some trees instead.
• Travel on the Hop-On, Hop-Off bus - I think our timing was just bad here. In the summer, when the weather is best, is also when it costs the most. The first special I see come up for this, I'm going to book us.
• Visit an animal shelter - I think we've been warming our animal-scarred children to this. Now that they are comfortable (and have adopted the neighbourhood kitten) I think we can graduate to doing this soon, before the Winter.

Here's to continuing our upward progression in 2020, and having a good time in the process!

Bucket List: Go to the Ice Rink

I must admit that, upon learning of my children’s genuine disappointment at us not being in some winter wonderland for Christmas this year, I was a little thrown. I thought that they understood the uniqueness of last year’s holiday, and I didn’t realise all the accompanying associations they would miss. One of these things seemed to come up repeatedly: snow. When it was forecast that it would be a rather wintery Christmas in Cape Town, they excitedly assumed that it would bring some of that white fairy dust – and even though for a day or two there was a snow warning, it didn’t materialize. 

Then I was surprised by a simple solution. We were going through which Family Bucket List items we could add to our holiday to-do list (a necessity when home alone with three busy kids) when we hit the jackpot: ice skating! Apparently, part of the winter appeal is skating on the frozen lake, and to a seven-year- old and four-year-old, there isn’t much difference between that and an artificial rink.

My children have only ever seen an ice rink once – last year in Wales – and they have never skated before. I remember packing for the outing with every eventuality in mind: Would they skate or chicken out? Would they pick the mini rink or the larger rink? Would I have to skate with them? Would I even be able to manage them on the ice knowing that I had not skated in around 20 years too? Turns out, I was worried for nothing because as we arrived, the kids’ eyes lit up as they ran towards the mini rink in the food court outside the big rink. They excitedly exchanged their summer slipslops for skates, and after a quick briefing about forming fists when falling, they proudly head onto the ice. It took a little while for them to warm up to everything, and then Zac, armed with some confidence, let go of the rail, and Sam smiled widely as he said, “mom, we’re skating on the snow!”

Just for fun!

So not only did we manage to tick another thing off our Bucket List, we managed to bring a little Christmas magic to it. Who knew R60 and a precious memory could bring so much joy!

Cut for CANSA

Each year, over February or March, CANSA has its Shave-a-thon drive to raise money for research, treatment and support of cancer and its patients in South Africa. Many times, I have watched others I know do this, and considered the experience of doing something so brave and selfless myself, but I have never been able to do something quite so drastic – especially not involving hair. You see, I have a love-hate relationship with mine. I have dreams of long flowing locks, pretty up-styles, and am the poster-child for the mom-bun. But I also have a nervous disorder called trichotillomania which means that I have places of damage and baldness, and an irrational fear of hairdressers. 

Sometimes the truth hurts. This was the case with my hair most recently. My hairdresser avoidance meant really long hair (great), but hair thinning, split ends, and a desperate need for a rescue. By the time I mustered up the courage to say aloud to Andel that I thought I needed a drastic cut, he was no longer afraid of agreeing with me. And so, he supported me though the process of consulting with a hairdresser, and setting the plans in motion. After all, it’s only hair, and hair grows back.

As I mentally prepared to cut my hair that, when blown out was already almost reaching my hips, I wondered if there was anything positive that could come out of it to give me some extra motivation – and that’s when I read up on donating your ponytail. Basically, you have to be able to donate a ponytail of at least 25cm, and then they combine it with other hair to make free wigs to cancer patients who have lost their own hair due to treatment. That was all it took – me being able to help someone – to convince me to just get it done.

And so last week I went to the hairdresser (alone), and cut off 35cm of ponytail. I did freak out a little while sitting there, but then I remembered the benefits – for the recipient of my ponytail, as well as my own hair – and felt the literal weight off my shoulders, and I relaxed. I’m so pleased that, although the style is shorter than I’m usually comfortable with, my hair is looking so much thicker and healthier, and I’m encouraged to try keep it that way. Also, my hair-washing shower time is down to two minutes or something ridiculous. It’s true: it is just hair, and it’s already growing back!

Before: the blowout & After: the freakout

Bucket List: Train Trip to the Beach

It’s hard to imagine that living in Cape Town, my children – and husband – had, before this month, never taken a local train to the beach (or anywhere, for that matter). Then again, when you look at the (in)efficiency of the public transport system, you can understand. We opted to go after Christmas which worked well because (a) there would be fewer commuters, (b) the weather was cooler so the beaches would not be crowded, and (c) it fitted in well with Sam’s request to Santa for a real 10-seater train (which he obviously didn’t get).

I am familiar with the strains and struggles of Metrofail, but this is not my personal, daily experience. I have heard of people taking in excess of three hours to get to work on a train where each carriage is filled to capacity, and the risk injury accompanies the inconvenience of already arriving late. Sadly, our experience gave us a taste of this reality too. Even though it was a light service, with far fewer commuters, we still had to wait (on both trips) for a train delayed more than 30 minutes. Thankfully, we didn’t have anywhere else to be.

Watching for the train while Zac gets the tickets

Waiting for the train

Anyway, apparently the only people aware of these inconveniences were Andel and me, because as soon as the kids stepped onto the platform, and despite the long wait, they were pleased as punch to be on that train. They stared out the windows in wonder as we passed all the stations, and they identified which friend or family member lived next by. And by the time we got to the coast where they could see the sea, they were animatedly hopping up and down with excitement, again reminding me of how much joy the simple things can bring.

Windows that can open are apparently a big thing

Being a big girl

Braving up for the day ahead

We got off at Fish Hoek beach, and even though it was a little windy and cool, got some fish and chips, and picnicked for lunch before the inevitability of our children heading for the water. They had a ball – Bayley didn’t even both to get out of her clothes before diving in – and sat contently, chatting to the other passengers on the trip back. (I’d be lying if I didn’t mention here that I was so relieved to have come by train, and not have to have bags of sand in the car.) And the best part of it all: a good nap when we got home – for all of us!

Sun, sand and sea

My beach bums

Ice cream treats, because we can

Entertaining themselves waiting for the train

Chatting to the "pilot of the train"

Secret Santa: The Trans-Atlantic Edition

One of the highlights of the last decade has been the fun, festivities and fright of our annual Secret Santa. To recap: the way it works in our family is that all the adults (over 20 and working) go into a single draw in which random Secret Santa recipients are drawn. Accompanying the draw is a list for each person in line with the agreed upon spend budget for that year. Over time, the operations have evolved – and improved – still, never before had we tried a Secret Santa across two continents and involving postal logistics.

Once again, we used an online Secret Santa Generator that emailed each person’s recipient name to them. Then we created an online shared doc for each person’s list. Given that we would have to potentially have to ship gifts between South Africa and the US, we also had to put links to online sites and reputable delivery services, and try to get the timing just right. Finally, we set a Skype date, and waited with bated breath for Christmas day.

Between waiting for everyone to be around, then trying to log on successfully, and being able to see and hear everyone, the set up was a little stressful, but then once it got going, it almost felt like normal. Almost. Amid the usual drama and hilarity, it was pretty cool how it all worked out, and everyone was happy with what they got:

Garth bought a Andel a bicycle tyre

Andel bought Yaya a pair of running shoes

Yaya bought Papu a Bible (with large text)

Papu gave Dom some cash vouchers

Dom bought Annie a kettle and kitchen knife block

Annie bought me a swim costume and slip slops

And I gave Garth the cash – because his list was empty, but that’s a post for another day!

Yes, so that means Ash and PJ bought each other gifts! It was not rigged. And it worked out perfectly for this year, meaning that perhaps SSTAE will survive another year after all!

Our annual Christmas photo...

... missing one important piece

The Four Gift Rule

Prior to 2017, Santa didn't make it to our house. Or perhaps he did, and we just didn't notice...
In any case, when the boys saw the miracle of their prayed-for sister come true, they believed in all kinds of magic - even the kind we didn't really pay attention to before. They got big presents that year, and they were overjoyed. Then last year, we went on holiday over Christmas, and they were just glad that Santa could find them in another location. They got smaller gifts, that could fit into our suitcases coming home. Now it's 2019, and we aren't going anywhere. In fact, we are doing a working staycation, and dealing with the disappointment of kids who just assumed that we would forever travel to a Winter Wonderland for Christmas every December. If only. Suddenly there's a lot of pressure on poor Santa.

I think we're lucky that we have pretty understanding kids. By this I mean, they are well aware of the real meaning of Christmas, and are not overly invested in all the festive hype with demands for lavish gifts. Still, increasingly - and not just over Christmas - we have been feeling the strong pull to turn our collective focus on getting stuff, and just simplify our lives. That includes the excess of almost everything, everywhere.

I read about The Four Gift Rule / Christmas Challenge a couple years ago, and it - along with a viral post about expensive gifts from Santa - has stuck with me ever since. We are in the fortunate position to be able to offer the kids a couple nice treats throughout the year. We get them the things they need, as the need arises; we try to make (bigger) family memories at least a couple times each holiday; they have more toys than they can look after; and in their short lives they have had opportunities many others don't get in 80 years on the earth. We want them, especially at Christmas, to learn about the gift and joy of giving, and the value of people and time together - not things. And so, anything over and about these four gifts, is an extra blessing, and requires them to share some of what they already have with those who don't.

So if you're a member of our circle who would traditionally buy gifts for our kids, I know we're a mere two weeks away; still, please don't feel that you need to get them anything. They love your presence and your time, and if you really want to, please support us and get them something off this four-point list. Likewise, if you have kids that we buy gifts for, please don't feel offended if we do the same.

Maybe He'll Be A Doctor

It's funny how, even as well-meaning parents, genuinely appreciating the unique differences in our children, we fall into the trap of boxing them into stereotypes. I was reminded of this again earlier today when I colleague of mine, speaking of my younger son, said: "maybe he'll be a doctor".

I was surprised. It's not that I don't think he could be a doctor. In fact, he'd make a great doctor. He is naturally kind and caring, deeply empathetic, has a great way with people, and is servant-hearted. And yet, all those wonderful qualities hardly even feature when we thinking about what people need in order to become something as 'accomplished' as a doctor.

You see, my son, like many other middle children (not that it's necessarily a factor here), is different to both his brother and sister. Not only does he look different to them, his personality is entirely opposite to theirs. Where they are intense and need to be stimulated all the time, he is quietly curious. While they set themselves academic challenges from letter identification to complex mathematic sums, he is using his design eye to upgrade bird houses and construct practical solutions to real world problems. Where they are always steaming from one place to the next in pursuit of productivity and efficiency, he is enjoying the journey, taking it all in as he takes his time.

It's an important caution to me that regardless of whatever our society - or education system - is using to measure and, let's be honest, rank our children's potential by, we are not to be caught up in the belief that it is all they are capable of. There is no pecking order; no hierarchy of preferable traits. Each person has been uniquely and purposefully designed with strengths and talents that are not just valuable, but also necessary - for them, as well as those they come into contact with. Everyone is more than enough, just as they are.

As we find ourselves at the end of another school year, let's be intentional about celebrating who our children are rather than only what they may have achieved over the last 12 months. They can be that doctor (or whatever else they want to be) yet.

Bucket List: Give Back

I’d like to think that generosity is not something I – or my family – inherently struggle with, still, I have been on a mission to exercise this with more regularity and consistency. This year, we added it to the Bucket List with the intention of sharing what we have with other who don’t have as much. I wasn’t sure how it was going to pan out over the year, but I am so pleased with how it has.

In addition to making donation of gently worn clothes and un-played-with toys, the kids each made their own Santa Shoebox. This is something that I, along with other mom friends, have done before, on behalf of the kids, but this year, for the first time, they did it themselves. I thought committing to three boxes, each for a child the gender and age of one of my own kids, was going to be a challenge, however, I was pleasantly surprised by my kids’ enthusiasm and initiative in taking this on. All it took was two trips to the shops, and they loved it! Each one got to pick out an outfit, pair of slipslops, set of toiletries, reading book, game and treat that they would choose for themselves. Then they each made a card for their recipient, wrapped it all up in a shoebox, and handed it over to the group leader we were working through.

I don’t mention these things to pat myself on the back as though this kind of thing is something to show for my and Andel’s great parenting. We’re terrible a lot of the time. But that’s what so good about these encounters: just when you think that you’re doing everything wrong, and your kids are brats, and you don’t know how they’re going to become decent, function citizens, they wow you with how kind and thoughtful they actually are. Zac, Sam and Bayley were so proud of their boxes (including all the work that went into making additional full sets of Springbok cards), and equally thrilled when we were sent the photos of the kids receiving their boxes just before Christmas. 

The kids have already asked to do this again next Christmas, so even though it’s not on the official Bucket List for next year, you can be sure that we’ll be keeping on this tradition. And if you are led to want to join with us, check in with us around the start of November so that you can be a part of it too!

A(lmost) Perfect Ten

On (M)November 21 this year, Andel and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. It’s a strange thing looking back 10 years – it is equally long and short at the same time. In ten years we had gotten married, moved homes twice, bought a house, had three kids – it’s been full. And at the same time, we still feel so new (and not so good) at this marriage thing, like it was just yesterday that we tied the knot.

In early years, we had looked ahead to the 10-year mark as a milestone of great significance, and had dreamed of going to Victoria Falls to celebrate. As it turned out, I had to go to a work conference for three days of this time. But to be fair, that just gave us something to blame it on; I don’t think either of us were ready to leave our three children (or find someone willing and able to stay with them) for 5 days. So, on the day, we took advantage of the childcare already set up for my time at the conference, and shoved ten years’ worth of unredeemed date nights into three hours. It felt like nine. And it was amazing. We had great steak for dinner, did some sunset exercise on the promenade, and got gourmet ice cream that we didn’t have to share with anyone (and all the parents in the house shouted, “yeah!”).

But the real treat came the week after. Thanks to the school calendar that comes out a year in advance, I knew we’d have to find a backup plan, and we so blessed to find a really good special at a place we’d been wanting to visit for forever: Kolkol Mountain Lodge. Even the special was not cheap, so we had to do some saving, and in the end, it was well worth it because, even though we had Bayley there at night, we had an amazing time! For those two days we could have been on another planet; we were totally disconnected from the world and our work, and totally chilled as we hung out – like in our younger days.

It’s not really about the celebration though – and maybe I’ll do another blog about the realities of being married 10 years in this day and age – still, this anniversary was something extra special. Perhaps it’s because I can honestly say that 10 years later, we are living the adventure of a lifetime, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!