For Better, For Worse

I think that I, along with many others, have spoken at length about how this lockdown life is affecting parents and children. Let's just spare a thought, though, for something I may have overlooked in all this: marriage.

I'd say I'm pretty fortunate to be in a really good marriage. It wasn't always this way, but with lots of work - and even more grace - we have made it a good space for both of us. I know it's not necessarily the norm though. I remember at the beginning of lockdown, all the social media memes that came out about husbands and wives divorcing during lockdown, or husbands finally having to do all the things their wives nag about, or women gaining an extra child to look after. I recall how Andel and I both said one night, "thank heaven we actually like each other". And thank heaven we do; this would be a very different experience otherwise!

Still, let's just be real for a second here, and admit that (unless you are newly married, or already forever married) this lockdown takes its toll on relationship. I think it's even worse when you're also parents of young kids, trying to manage their remote learning, and trying to hold onto some income by doing as much as you can from home - in Andel's case, while your work is closed. Despite the proximity, it's possible to spend even less time together. The mornings are later, the evenings come quicker, and the day is full. With rising anxiety and seemingly depleting wisdom (maybe that's just me) the ugly side comes out quickly and often (again, maybe that's just me), and it's easy to have your spouse bear the brunt of your frustration, mostly because they're the only other adult around.

Tonight, while your mind may well be filled with increasing uncertainty, and perhaps even diminishing hope, take a moment to acknowledge your spouse, and make an effort to connect with them. I'm pretty confident whatever you're feeling, they're feeling too. And I know it's both easier and better company to walk any challenging path together.

So Andel... I know this week has been manic, and we have lived more as roommates than soulmates. I know our respective work stress has taken up much of our time, and playing catch up to keep our children up to date on school work has forced us to divide to conquer. I want you to know that I love you, I appreciate you, and I am here with and for you. Together we are so much stronger than we are apart. There isn't anything this world can throw at us that, with God, we cannot overcome. This too shall pass. God remains sovereign and faithful, and we will see His glory in this, in our lifetime still. Thank you for all you are doing at home, with the kids, for me. 

For better, for worse, for ever.

Speechless

Speechless. That is how Sam left me earlier today when he came to show me the remnants of the letter writing material I had prepared for him for this week. Three pages of it - with drawings (art is not my strong point), and letter guides for him to write the words. He brought them to me in a crumpled up ball, wet and torn. His face was wrinkled up, much like the paper (now more paper mâché), and there was an audible hiss as he dropped the wad on the floor in front of me. I promise you, my mouth literally hung open before I calmly and slowly said, "Please go to your room."

I couldn't even reprimand him. I wasn't angry, you see. I was simply: speechless.

Seven weeks into lockdown, and eight weeks into "parent-led learning", I think I am officially cracking. Earlier into this reality, these events would have left me rushing to work out what Sam's  real issue is, trying to find a better way for me to teach him, before redoing the said material. But right now, I'm over it. All I feel is gutted - like I've just been sucker punched. I am both frustrated and concerned by the never-ending issues that accompany the young child's experience of lockdown. I am also saddened by the general increasing load and time demands on parents' plates, and my children's seeming lack of regard for my efforts. Because that material took me a couple hours to prepare (and I do it on a Sunday so that it's ready for the week). Most of all though, I am hit with the realisation of the overwhelming denial that we, too, are unravelling.

I wonder if perhaps going to work, in addition to some adult conversation, allows us to feel both productive and appreciated. I don't blame my kids, really; I mean, the oldest is only seven. But perhaps the recognition that we are given - even just in the form of a paycheck - makes working easier than parenting?

I am so struck by how hard this is for our kids. More and more I am reading - and living! - accounts of how children are going backward; regressing, it would seem, into their baby ways, because they don't know how else to deal with it all. In light of this, trashing school material seems inconsequential.

This period has been characterised by talking - announcing, speeching, complaining, exhorting, petitioning, questioning, pleading... Right now, I want all the noise to stop; I want to just hold my babies until we all feel ok. Without any more words. Just speechless.

35 Lockdown Lessons

Kids, this one is for you. After 35 days at Level 5 lockdown (and another 10 at Level 4, so far), here are some of the lessons I've learnt living through all of this with you. Perhaps one day you will look back, and in case you don't remember it all, learn something from reading it here.

In no particular order except for the way that they came into my head...

1. Take-out is a luxury. It's great for convenience, but it's helluva expensive. When you are forced to, you can see how much of it you can make yourself, and the novelty of fast food wears off quickly when you see how much money you can save.


2. Teachers are hugely under-appreciated. The task of having to adjust to running classes remotely and on-line while actually doing it is no joke. Also I now know why ECD fees are expensive, and they are worth every cent.


3. Exercise is not just important for your ego. A mere 30 minute walk in a 2km radius in your neighbourhood can set a positive tone for your day, and be immensely stress-relieving.


4. I used to think there was a braai season. Traditionally we would braai from September (Heritage Day on September 24 is also affectionately known as "braai day") through March or mid April. We are currently on seven weeks of consecutive braaing, and counting!


5. Kindness is key! When you're stuck in a home with a couple other people, no one cares how smart or wealthy you are; they care about how kind you are, and how you treat them. Take that out of lockdown, and apply it to every area of your life.


6. A good sense of humour is a precious weapon in your arsenal of life tools. Sometimes you can't do anything but laugh at the situation - or yourself.


7. Understand and be accepting of people's differences. It is said you can tell people's true colours when they are put under pressure; also know, though, that people respond to things differently. Right now, some people are connecting with everyone they love; others are just trying to hold it together. Don't judge.


8. Having said that, in times like quarantine: if you have not learnt the new skill, started the side hustle, or gained the knowledge that you wanted to, perhaps your problem is not a lack of time, but a lack of discipline.


9. You can teach an old dog (mom) new tricks (culinary skills).


10. Technological advancement is a double-edged sword: it's wonderful to still be able to keep up with work and school, or be able to connect with loved ones you can't see in person, but there is no substitute for real connection. And because of that, children and teenagers all over the world are finding that even with all the likes, followers and retweets in the world, they are actually lonely.


11. This "homeschool" is near impossible if the children equal or outnumber the parents.


12. Trust the plan. Had I been a doctor right now, I would be on the frontline of this pandemic, and probably have to be isolated from my family.


13. Zoom fatigue is a real thing.


14. Psychologically, the weight of having to go to work is enormous. Despite doing the same - if not more - work from home, just knowing you don't have to go anywhere to do it frees up so much time and space to live during the week, and not just on the weekend.


15. Having "enough" is attainable. Maybe this goes hand-in-hand with the take-out thing, still: when you use what you have responsibly, and share what you have with others who may not have, you will always have enough.


16. It's amazing how the world can heal, and its beauty be restored, when humans are kept out of the way.


17. It's really not about the bike - ask your Dad :)


18. Make friends with your nuclear family. At the end of the day, they are what you have, and in unprecedented times like these, lockdown is a lot more comfortable and comforting when you are with people you actually like.


19. The law of supply and demand means that during lockdown you'll save on everything you don't use. Like fuel for your car.


20. Be obedient to the Spirit. If he prompts you do so something, do it. You can never go wrong doing what is right.


21. It does take 21 days to form (or change) a habit. Try it.


22. Never forget that children are more perceptive than you think. They may not understand what's going on, but they know when something is up. Be attentive to their feelings.


23. Always keep a couple of basic stationery items around the house. You never know when you'll need them - or won't be able to buy them!


24. Those who said they can't lose weight at home may be onto something. It seems adults and kids alike can make it through a work day on a 06h30 breakfast, and a couple sandwiches during the day. Just ask them to work from home though, and they need something to eat every two hours.


25. You'll be surprised how many women will not shave their legs if they don't have to.


26. I think every mother secretly wishes she had more time at home with her children. The moms of this generation have been given this rare opportunity. As exhausting as it may be, most would not trade this time for the world.


27. God's grace and mercies are new every morning. Thank heaven for that!


28. There is no such thing as job security. Everyone from the CEO of large companies, to the informal workers at individual homes, have had their income affected significantly. Choose to work in an area or industry that you enjoy so that the money you get paid to do it is just a bonus.


29. If you live in fear, you die in fear. Pursue peace.


30. Owning three or four interchangeable outfits is actually more than enough.


31. Some kids are just morning people. You can keep them up until 23h00, and they'll still wake up at 05h00. Teach them to make breakfast or a decent cup of coffee.


32. It's ok not to know everything. Sometimes, we figure things out in the dark, together.


33. The best things in life are free - kind of. The important things - family, love, companionship - they don't need tons of money to have or keep. But value them while you have them. Once they are gone, they are irreplaceable.


34. When you're expecting God to move, don't assume it will be in a way you have seen Him move before. He uses all things - high and lows - for your good.


35. There is always something - usually more than one - to be thankful for!