One Week

It's been a week since we said goodbye to Zac.

It was raining and moody last Sunday - quite uncharacteristically so, even for KZN - and it was kind of fitting. I’m awkward with goodbyes - unnecessarily stoic and appropriate. Andel is more open and spontaneous. Zac was unmoved - in a good way. I don’t think I could adequately explain or describe how, the one day Zac was this nine-year old boy from Cape Town, barefoot in shorts and little else, full of energy from being cramped up in a car for two days, and acting like a literal monkey. And then the next day he was the picture of maturity and independence, dressed in his Number Ones. A proper Drakie.

 The week since has been long and short at the same time. There’ve been a couple times in our life together that Andel and I have made the mistake of working the day of departure and returning to work 12hrs after arrival. This was another one of those times. Exhaustion has nothing on the levels of fatigue I’m feeling right now! But here we are: one week into the three weeks we aren’t allowed to phone each other, and Zac, Andel and I are fine, actually. Many people, all well-meaning, have checked in on us, and it’s been surprising for them just how fine we are. I put it down to these two things: firstly, we are now absolutely convinced that this is God’s plan for Zac’s life. We did not pursue it, we did not have to struggle for it all to work out, and we have had supernatural peace. Also, and perhaps this follows on from the first point, we have never seen Zac as happy and comfortable as he is at his new school. It’s hard as parents to be sad when our child is so, so happy. 

It takes some adjustment all the same though, and the two younger kids are still getting to grips with that. They don’t have the benefit of parental love and sacrifice. Sam misses Zac when he feels he has no one to play with, or when he wants someone to show or tell him something new that he can learn. Bayley misses Zac’s energy and quick wit, and how he lets her get away with things he shouldn’t. But they are both doing so well. Even with changing schools, they have amazed us with their resilience and confidence. I look forward to see them bloom now that they both have a little more room. 

We miss being a family of five, but we are not heartsore. Right now, we are enjoying not being outnumbered, and having the bread last more than two days. Let’s see if it’s still the same next week.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

To say that I am tired is a grave understatement. I am not simply knackered; I am broken. My eyes are on fire, and I can feel my nasal bridge vibrating to the sound of the lawnmower cutting the grass outside my office window.

It started Sunday night, and I figured it was my fault. I returned to work yesterday, and I am not a Monday person. In fact, my Monday blues often begin around noon on Sunday already. On a Sunday afternoon you will find me at home, physically getting things ready, and mentally preparing myself for the week ahead. I'll seek some kind of temporary comfort (usually in food), and go to bed early. This weekend though, we we busy Saturday afternoon, had a church farewell on Sunday for lunch which ran unto tea time, and then a family birthday tea which we ended up leaving at 22h00. I was actually quite proud of myself (because I do recognise that my family prefers the holiday version of me anyway). 

When I got into bed at 23h00, I was already tired, so I expected to fall asleep easily. I didn’t. In fact, I tossed and turned for an hour before finally drifting off. It was short-lived though. Cape Town has had a pretty mild summer so far; the weather only really got hot on Saturday - and it was still there Sunday night. It was so uncomfortable that Andel actually got up at 02h00 to get something to drink and open the sliding door in our bedroom. That, and the mosquitoes the open door invited in, was all it took for me to rouse, and despite my desperate attempts to go back to sleep, I only got about an hour’s sleep before getting up for work.

Last night I was determined to go to sleep a little earlier, and I did - even after more goodbyes - only to be woken at 02h00 again. There was less heat, no open doors or visiting mosquitoes, and yet I still lay there awake. I eventually just got up at 04h30 - but not before realising something significant. You see, sometimes we may think or believe something, and we are so convincing, even to ourselves, that we don’t recognise all the signs pointing to the contrary. 

I have been pretty stoic the last while regarding Zac’s departure. I’ve resumed my juggling act of being employed, espoused, and endowed with children - but really, my sleepless nights are reminding me of the change in season that is, now, 2 days away. As I considered this, in the middle of the night, I went before the Lord - not because I was sad or worried, but because I wanted to hear from Him. He did not disappoint. As I picked up my phone to check the time, my social media was open, and on my screen read a post from someone I don’t even know personally:

God knows, man. Even the things we may not yet know, He knows, and He is there working all things out for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. 

Pause - January 2022

 I recently had a little time on my hands (wink, wink), so I thought I’d get everyone back up to speed.

I’m thinking about... how divisive this pandemic is, generally. I don’t want to get into it except to say that there is enough pain, disappointment, and confusion without people disrespecting and disregarding each other. Agree to disagree. Be kind. And the church - use the opportunity to direct the world to living Hope who doesn’t change, regardless of which side of the arguments you stand.

I’m watching… cricket. Living in South Africa (maybe a couple other countries share this), cricket is almost synonymous with the festive season. I have these vivid memories of hot summer days, left over Christmas or New Years Day dessert, and the hum of commentary in the background. It’s just a pity that no spectators are allowed - and that the Proteas are playing so poorly. 

Aspiring Protea in an Indian shirt

I’m listening to… choral music, naturally. Not only have we been getting into the Drakensberg Boys Choir, I have thoroughly enjoyed listening to the One Voice Children’s Choir. I first heard them during lockdown doing a cover of Memories by Maroon 5, and then recently watched them perform What Child is This? on The Chosen: Christmas Special. 

I’m loving… tidal pool dipping. We are pretty fortunate to have a number of really picturesque and safe tidal pools to swim in. Tarrin, who dips almost daily in Ireland (yes, that cold country) has been trying to get me to do these dips more regularly, and when she was here in November we had a great early morning dip with the family. I since done two more - which isn’t much, but it’s a start considering it’s been bloody cold both times.

Miller's Point Tidal Pool

I’m busy… labelling everything. All three kids have changed schools, and the amount of stuff each one of them has that needs to be labelled is insane. I actually have a hole in my middle finger where the sewing needle has pierced it a couple times. I look forward to a time where my kids are older, more responsible, and less likely to lose items - or can label them themselves!

I’m going to… graduate soon. I mean, I hope so. I finished my Masters in September last year, and am eagerly awaiting my results. When I finished my teaching qualification, I was not invited to the graduation ceremony. They said something about it being a part time, correspondence degree. Anyway, considering the blood, sweat and tears, I do hope to at least have a Zoom photo or something this time around.  

I’m battling with… having to go back to work. On top of the usual anxiety I experience around it, I don’t really feel like I’m had any time for rest and relaxation, and I’m still tired. I also wonder if I’m over this season. I realise that I crave more flexibility to be involved with the kids while they are young, and to have remote working options while Zac is away. If 2021 taught me anything, it’s not to plan too far ahead, so who knows what may become still. 

I’m resolving to… erect healthy boundaries. I need to protect my time, my privacy, and my mental and emotional health. If I commit to do the best I can with what I have, then I don’t have to feel guilty about saying no to anything more than that, or worry about people’s (often unrealistic) expectations. It’s going to take some work, I know, but I have some good people in my corner who are going to hold me to it. 

Single Digits

 A bit of a blur. 

That’s how I’d describe the last few weeks. I blame it partly on the multiple, daily Covid-induced naps, partly on the hustle and bustle of the silly season, and mostly on the endless list of things to do for everyone heading into this year. Significantly, this blur has brought us within single digits of Zac’s departure. 

Surprisingly, after my wobble at the 6-week mark, I have actually been ok. No emotional outbursts, leaking eyes, or existential crises (yet). In fact, as I have sat sewing labels onto every item of Zac’s clothes (100 and counting), I have become increasingly excited at this opportunity for him. Even with him being ill, I was relieved to have had it happen here, at home. Rationally knowing that nothing could or would have been done differently means nothing to a control-freak mom like me. God, in His mercy, has allowed me to already have experienced my “worst” health fears for Zac, and I’m grateful for it. 

With a week left at home, Zac remains steadfast in his commitment and anticipation to leave. But I have seen him realise just how different it will be. He was vocal in his dislike of isolation, and had to adjust to being separated from Sam (with whom he has shared a room for two thirds of his life). I have also noticed him persevere in patience and gentleness with Bayley, and cuddle a little closer and longer with Andel and me. There is no doubt this is going to change his life - and rattle his cage - but he is unafraid, and I am so proud of him for that. 

Despite our best attempts to keep the next week simple, I suspect the haze we are in will remain as we do all the goodbyes, and extend beyond that into our 3000km road trip. And let’s not forget about the emotional cataclysm I’m expecting sometime thereafter. Nevertheless, we continue to take one day at a time; powered by the Peace that passes all understanding. 

Covid Chronicles

 When I thought about how we'd spend this holiday season as a family, making memories, soaking up the last bit of being together, I did not consider that we could be housebound, isolating - and yet, here we are. 

Andel felt ill first, but tested negative on Friday, and was wearing his mask everywhere - including in bed at night. Then on Saturday afternoon, after feeling fine all day, Zac suddenly started complaining of headaches, and later ran a fever. We tested him, and got the positive result not long after. Resigned to the fact that we would all have to isolate - or at least quarantine - we cancelled Christmas plans (for the second year running), and tried to separate Zac from everyone else. Since then though, a few more of us have joined the pandemic party. 

I guess it was inevitable. Just prior to Zac feeling ill, he and I had taken a drive and gotten some ice cream for our monthly date. Sunday morning I was still ok, but by lunch time I was overcome with debilitating body aches, and nonstop sneezing and nose blowing. Then yesterday Sam, who usually shares a room with Zac, started coughing and complaining about a tummy ache, and this morning began throwing up. So far Bayley remains unaffected. The jury is still out on whether she would require more of our energy and attention healthy or sick.

On this, Day 4 of isolation, here are a couple things we have learnt already:

* Covid sucks. Even though it's likely that we have the kinder Omicron variant, we have still felt pretty sick. There is no guarantee that you will have "mild, flu-like symptoms that disappear after a day", and I hate that people have used that very phrase to downplay what people are going through, or justify irresponsible behaviour.

* You can be so careful, and still become infected. We don't know where we got it from. We did not have close contact with any positive case, and have purposefully opted to stay home to avoid being sick.

* You can be how sick, when your kids are ill, they come first. I have never experienced incessant pain like I have the last couple days, but I would gladly take it if it means that my kids don't have to.

* There is always a silver lining; something to be thankful for. Had Zac become infected while at school, I think we would have been freaking out. Knowing that he's had it here, with us, and been ok, is very comforting. 

* This is the second year running that we not having a "traditional" family Christmas. Last year my parents were very sick with Covid, and we ended up doing our family celebration mid January. The first Christmas was pretty simple, and I feel like we are being reminded of that, even now. Who knows: it may become a new tradition for us. 

So for the next week at least, we try to heal and get some much needed rest. There is, after all, wisdom and peace in surrender.

Jireh

 Earlier this week I sat over my spreadsheet of things we need to get for Zac. Of course, this spreadsheet came into existence pretty soon after we made the decision for Zac to go - and the list is pretty extensive: DBCS branded uniform, other uniform, boarding requirements, academics requirements, general requirements. It's also very specific. And expensive. The plan was to wait for Black Friday to make as many purchases at reduced rates as possible. As it happened though, there weren't really any specials for the things I needed, and I'll admit: I felt defeated.

But that's how God works sometimes. He wants us to rely solely and fully on Him. He wants us to compare our spreadsheets with our bank balances and wonder how the heck they will ever add up. He wants us to realise how powerless we are. And then He shows us how powerful He is. 

Jehovah Jireh means "the Lord will provide". It's one of the most popular names for God. Earlier this year, Elevation Worship and Maverick City released a song titled, Jireh. There is a looped bridge in the song that goes something like this:

If you've followed the posts in this blog for a while, you'll know: Jesus loves Zac. I don't mean that He doesn't love anyone else or as much; I'm just saying, He has shown up for Zac one testimony after the next. This time is no different. Daily I am getting calls and messages from friends and family asking what they can contribute to help. I also got an email from one of Zac's current teachers, knowing that he needed to purchase something for an end of term event - and she offered to pay for it. And then a parent already with a boy in DBCS contacted me and offered me some clothing at a fraction of the price. I even got a bonus payout from my insurer!

This is no joke: this journey is stressful on every level. We still have a long way to go with many more things to pay. But God is in it, and He is living up to His name - Jireh.

Strength for Today

 It's amazing the things God whispers to us when we call out to Him and then listen. Since my early childhood, my life has been flooded with songs and hymns of praise and worship. I visit these melodies and words of truth often. Many times I hear my grandfather's voice, singing in my head...

As the magnitude of Zac's departure dawned on me this week, I reached out to my village of warrior women who pray with and for me. I had questions: How can I already feel so weak and tired? How am I going to get through the six weeks before our separation - and then the three weeks of radio silence, and another seven weeks of distance after that? 

As the news spread, so many people, each in their own unique way, sent me something that I need to hear. And then the song began in my head:

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

Blessings all mine with then thousand beside

Great is Thy faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hand has provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

And there it is: the answer. 

We'll get through it one moment at a time, 

one message at a time,

one hug at a time, 

one promise at a time,

underpinned by prayer,

with strength for today, 

and hope for tomorrow.

As my Gramps and Gran Geduld would have sung it

Six Weeks

December has just started, and despite my resolve and strength over the last six months, I'm beginning to feel the cracks appear. Many of you probably won't know: Zac has been given the amazing opportunity to attend the Drakensberg Boys Choir School from January 2022. It's the second time he's been offered a place. Two years ago we declined an offer because it simply was not something we could afford. We still can't. But this time he's been given a scholarship, and he's keen, so we're giving it a go. 

For months, those in the know have asked me if we're crazy, and how we are coping - and somehow it's always been the truth to answer that we feel it's the right thing. God has granted us an incredible peace about how things have worked out, and challenged us to trust Him with Zac's life. Last night though, I lay in bed going through pictures of the kids, and asked Andel, "are we brave or insane?". His answer to me: "probably a little bit of both". 

Zac is 9 years and 6 months old, and in six weeks' time we will be driving into the Midlands (1500km away) to drop him off at his new school. It seems like the emotions have caught up with all of us. In the last week Zac has come to cuddle in my bed, sit on my lap on the swing, held my hand as we walked around the block. And while he is not afraid, he is realising - as am I - that this is going to be hard. The closeness of our family unit has been amplified since Covid, and the separation is going to hurt.  

The holidays will be bitter-sweet as we try to make the most of this time together, while preparing to say goodbye. We look forward to it all the same. So to keep track of the memories we make, and pour out everything this mama heart can't handle, I'm probably going to flood the pages here. I'm hoping it'll be therapeutic for me, and, looking back in years to come, bear testimony, once again, to God's goodness in our lives. 

Expect emotional posts and tears. Send prayers and wine. 

4 Bayley

 It's been so long since I blogged that it was only when I lay in bed last night - watching birth videos (an example of the nostalgic things one does the night before your child's birthday) - that my mind wandered to the fact that I had not given this birthday blog any thought. Whether it's that I've finally developed some chill, or that I am too far gone to be bothered, is immaterial at this point; I was pleased to find it was pretty much the same when Zac and Sam each turned four too. So here it is, a birthday post for Bayley:

My Bayley Cate...  (Let me start by saying: I never thought I would call you by your full name as much as I do. It's a beautiful name, but that's not why it's in frequent use. I have never related to Dave Seville from Alvin and the Chipmunks more!)

I actually can't believe that you are four. Where has the time gone? On the one hand, your birth is etched in my mind so clearly it's like it happened yesterday. On the other, you have become so grown up, independent, articulate, and fearless - I sometimes forget you are (were) just a baby. 

From the very beginning, life with you has been a wild ride - and nothing has changed! I marvel in awe, wonder, and terror at your benevolence, loveliness, quick wit, and sass. You are a thrill of adrenalin that rushes through my veins making me feel both frantic and completely alive. Your strong will, high drama, rule-breaking and risk-taking sends me into free fall - and then, somehow, you make me fly. What isn't there to love about you?

This coming of age is somewhat bittersweet. I'm saying goodbye to a decade consumed with babies. I will miss having you fit into my arms, breathing in that baby scent, and being your primary source of comfort. But I'm excited by this new chapter: to see us grow up together, carve out our own space in our family, and bond over (probably, not so) girly pastimes - and food, of course!

Happy birthday, my darling girl. I hope your day lives up to all you've dreamed of, and that the year ahead brings you a taste of all the rainbows, unicorns, and magic that you bring to the world. You are beautiful, strong, smart, and kind. My warrior-princess: Bayey the Brave. 

All my love, Mommy x

Keto Butter Chicken

 Navigating a keto diet with a family who isn't necessarily following the same can sometimes be tricky. That's why I like to keep the meals simple with easy substitutions - e.g. they eat rice; I eat caulimash. This is a butter chicken recipe that I adapted to suit our kitchen, and it's been an absolute hit in our house. I'm pretty sure that you can also add the regular non-keto things - like potatoes - if you wanted to.

Total Ingredients

* approximately 500g chicken breast meat (you can use deboned fillets or do that yourself at home)

* 1 cup double cream plain yogurt

* 3 tablespoons masala curry spice (I use an eleven-in-one because I like the taste)

* 3 teaspoons fresh, grated ginger

* 2 teaspoons minced garlic

* handful of roughly chopped fresh coriander

* 1 onion chopped

* 1 sachet tomato paste (you can also used tinned tomatoes if you want the substance)

* 1 teaspoon dried coriander

* 1 teaspoon cumin

* 2 tablespoons butter / ghee / coconut oil

* 1/2 cup heavy cream

Marinating Method

1. Use all the yogurt, 2 tablespoons masala, 2 teaspoons ginger, 2 teaspoons garlic, and some chopped coriander to create a marinade. 

2. Cut the chicken into small blocks and place in a large container with a lid. Cover completely with the marinade, and allow to chill in the fridge for at least at hour (I actually like to leave it overnight).

Cooking Method

1. Heat a little oil in a large pot, and start cooking the marinated chicken. I do it in bits at a time, and pour whatever remaining marinate is in with it. The chicken should take about 4 minutes per side to brown.

2. For the sauce mix the onion, remaining ginger, remaining garlic, tomato paste, and spices using a blender until everything is smooth. Then add to the pot, and cook the chicken in the sauce for a further 5 - 6 minutes. 

3. Stir the butter / ghee / coconut oil and cream into the pot, and cook for one more minute. Add salt and chilli (optional) to taste.

4. Serve with hot caulimash - or fragranced rice (Basmati or Jasmine work best) - and top with some fresh cilantro. 

This serves about 4 people but could be stretched to 6 if it's saucier or has other veg in it as well. 

ps. I forgot to take pics - I'll add some when I make this again. I doubt it'll be too long before then.

Keto Chocolate Mousse

 It turns out, the only way I can ever remember any recipes is to post them on this blog. This is a recipe I in celebration of Chocolate Day (July 6) when I found myself in the middle of a 21-day Keto detox. It was honestly so good and rich and creamy, that I couldn't have a lot of it without feeling ill. The amounts below are meant to be for a single serving, but I easy got four out of it. 

Ingredients

- 2 egg whites (at room temperature)

- 1/4 cup erythritol

- 1 cup (approximately 120g) of sugar-free dark chocolate (I like to do half plain dark and half mint)

- 1 cup heavy cream (from the fridge)

* if you're not doing Keto, you can just use regular sugar and chocolate

Method

1. Using an electric hand mixer, beat the egg whites in a clean, dry bowl until frothy.

2. Add the erythritol, one tablespoon at a time, while beating until airy white peaks form. This step took about 3 - 4 minutes.

3. Break the chocolate into small chunks, and melt in the microwave in 30-second increments in a large bowl. Stir between heating sessions, and repeat until all the chocolate is melted and smooth.

4. Fold the egg white + sweetener mixture into the chocolate until all is incorporated.

5. In a separate bowl beat the cream until soft white peaks form. There is no need to add sweetener here.

6. Combine the egg white + sweetener + chocolate mixture with the cream by hand until everything is blended. You may find here that some of your chocolate becomes chunky as the temperature changes. This is ok; it's a delicious surprise to find a chunk of chocolate in your mousse. 

7. Transfer the mousse mixture into a container with a lid, or into individual dessert ramekins for serving ease. Cover with the lid or with cling wrap, and refrigerate for at least 1 hour before serving. 

A yummy, guilt free chocolate treat that you'll be forced to eat in moderation. Enjoy!

No Bake Keto Cookies

 Desperate times call for desperate measures. I don't usually snack on sweet treats at all, but then I am usually at work, distracted and busy. Being home with kids who are requesting food every 90 minutes means that I have had to create snacks that are quick to prepare, easy to make, and healthy for our bodies. This recipe takes less than 20 minutes from start to finish, so it's worth a try!

Ingredients

* 2 tablespoons of real butter

* between 2 tablespoons - 1/4 cup erythritol, depending on your taste

* 2/3 cup natural peanut butter

* 1 cup desiccated coconut

* 1 tablespoon cocoa (optional)

Method

1. Melt butter and erythritol in the microwave in 30 second increments.

2. When the butter is completely melted, mix the peanut butter into it until smooth and glossy.

3. All the coconut to the wet mix and combine fully. At this point you can also add the cocoa if you are using it.

4. Scoop out teaspoon-sized cookie balls onto a baking tray lined with baking paper. Depending on the shape you want, you can leave the cookies in balls, or flatten them more. 

5. Place the baking tray with the cookies into the freezer for 10 minutes.

NB! 

These cookies must be stored in the fridge or they will melt and misshape. 

If you find that your cookies are a little too big / thick, you can cut them in half to serve. 

If you don't like the oily consistency, you can roll your cookies in more coconut before serving. 

The Last of the Single Digits

I'm not sure how we got here, but the last little while - last couple of days, especially - has made it very clear: my boy, my first baby, is growing up. Today Zac is nine!

Parents are often struck by the speed of it all. It's like we go to bed one night, cradling a newborn that we have zero clue how to raise, and wake the next morning with a tantrum-throwing threenager. It happens a couple times: toddler to pre-schooler, child to pre-teen... But I am equally taken by the measure. I had the privilege of spending some alone time with Zac the last three days (a whole 'nother story for a separate post), and was enamoured by this little human who is thoughtful and smart, independent and brave, funny, fun, and so responsible (Zac is not someone you want in the car when you have been traveling inter-provincially for 5 hours, and miss curfew by 8 minutes). It's almost unbelievable that he happens to be mine.

Zac, today on your birthday, I want to acknowledge the super young man you are beginning to sprout into, and tell you just how proud I am of who you are, and what you represent. You are wrapping up the first decade of your life, which has been filled with some pretty awesome things, and already the new year holds so many mind-blowing possibilities and opportunities for you. I want you to know just how special you are, and how much we love you - thorns and all. Jesus loves you, and has a perfect plan for your life. Continue to seek Him, obey Him, and trust Him - He won't ever let you down!

Happy birthday, my Peanut! All my love, Mom x

Six and So Special

 Honestly, I do look at the birthday posts I did for Zac when wanting to do a post for Sam. I try to keep it the same because, you know, second child syndrome and all that. This year though, I actually wanted to do something different. Well, the joke's on me; I just checked Zac's post, and it turns out I felt the same way three years ago when he turned six. Go figure.

There are so many heartwarming words that people use to describe you, Sam. You are funny, charming, passionate, creative, affectionate, smart, and resilient. But by far the most common one is: special. And oh how special you are! I guess it's been there since before you were born. There's always been a backstory with you, and you have always done everything in your own special way.

This past year has been a challenging one. As though growing out of a preschooler and into a big boy wasn't enough, you started your sixth year lockdown (and we're still in it!), you had to get to grips with your specs, adapt to online learning, and even move house. There have been many stumbling blocks and learning curves along the way, and I would be lying if I said I don't worry about how misunderstood you could be. But you always manage to stay smiling. You refuse to be squashed. You surprise me, and you soften my heart.

A few weeks ago, I found this passage in Jeremiah, and when I read it, I just knew it was for you:

My sweet boy, you are a gift to the world. You continue to show us how to stop when things get busy or overwhelming; slow down to acknowledge and enjoy the moment we are in; sit still to see things for more that what merely meets the eye. Your sensitivity makes you both compassionate and caring, and your sense of humour makes everyone around you feel both lighter and loved. You give the best hugs, tell the funniest jokes, and I could spend hours watching in wonder as you makes sense of the world in your own special way.

Happy birthday, Goose. I'm so glad that you still want bedtime prayers and goodnight kisses. I love you so very much! See you at 06h00...

Keto Banana & Nut Loaf

 Apparently, while I have been not blogging, I have become a keto baker. I have found a couple recipes that I've tweaked to suit my low carb, sugar free palate, and will share them here for you to try. Good recipes without all the talk before - I promise!

The weekend's leftover Banana Nut Loaf 

Ingredients

* 2 large, ripe bananas (mashed)

* 3 large eggs

* 2 Tbsp butter (melted)

* 1,5 cup almond flour (I purchased raw almonds from FLM, and ground them in the coffee grinder)

* 1/3 cup erythritol 

* 1 tsp baking powder

* 2 tsp cinnamon

* 1/2 tsp vanilla essence (optional)

* 1/2 cup nuts (I have used flaked almonds and crushed pecans - I prefer the chunkier nuts)

Method

1. Heat the oven to 180C, and line a loaf tin with baking paper.

2. In a medium sized bowl mix the mashed banana, 3 eggs, and melted butter with a hand mixer until the banana is smooth.

3. In a separate bowl mix together the dry ingredients: almond flour, erythritol, baking powder and cinnamon. 

4. Mix the dry ingredients into the wet, small portions at a time.

5. One all the dry mix is incorporated into the wet, add the vanilla essence and nuts. Mix together with a spatula.

6. Spoon all the mix into the loaf tin, and smooth the top with the back of a spoon. You can add some crushed nuts on top if you like.

7. Bake in the oven for 30 minutes, then turn the oven off and leave inside for another 10 minutes. The top should be firm, not hard.

8. Allow bread to cool completed before cutting. Served best with butter. Champagne is optional :)

This loaf is honestly better than any regular banana bread I've had, and will now be the only banana bread baked in my home. It's also really moist inside, so I think it could work in muffin pans too.

Twenty Twenty Won... Or Did It?

Do you remember my annual Bucket List? It seems like I wrote the one for 2020 about 5 years ago. We had some big things planned for 2020: a road trip, a boat trip to Robben Island, holidaying in Namibia, live music concerts - pretty much all the things that Covid put an abrupt end to. It would be easy to think that 2020 won, except when I looked through the list again, I found things that, in weird and wonderful ways, we did manage to do.

We certainly did play more games inside. The kids can play Speed, Crazy 8, Scrabble, and 30 Seconds. 

We did family devotionals. Admittedly, we were better at it during lockdown than out of it.

We made and used environmentally friendly wrapping paper (brown paper and string for the win).

We may not have sent our overseas family and friends much correspondence (I want to blame the Post Office, but that's not true - we just suck at writing letters), but we did speak to them way more often via WhatsApp and Zoom, and that was cool.

We didn't catch a fish, but we did braai one, and it was delicious!

I finished Bayley's photo book! (I did also print it in the wrong size, so it's a miniature book, but who's keeping score?)

We did some random acts of kindness, mostly in a #playitforward challenge where we gifted 5 people with random things, and the only catch was that they had to do the same. It was rewarding, especially to get it done in 2020.

We got some plants - and managed to keep them alive. I recently also got a planter box that I've planted some herbs in. Sam's the one with the green fingers, so I've left him in charge.

We did more exercise. As a family we try to walk around the neighbourhood once a week. Andel still cycles every day, and once upon a time this year, I was running every other day in preparation for my first 5km race. I complete it, but have since not resumed running.

We tried to make our world a better place by being available, helping others, recycling, sharing, and giving Hope. 

While it's possible for God to do the impossible, and change everything in a moment, I'm not sure the earth and its people have learnt all we need to from the situation we are in. I think we're going to be dealing with lockdown and restrictions, and this "new normal" for a while still. So here is my one bucket list item for 2021: Be Kind.

Happy 2021 everyone! Our Hope goes with us into it.

Three Year Old Bayley

Let me just take a moment to say that I am a little in awe at the fact that I am writing this ABC Birthday post for the third time! 

A is for... Attitude

You ooze individuality and self-confidence, and have a good dose of sass to go with it. You are funny, and charming, and so many other good things - and you know it!

B is for... Brave

Bayley the Brave. I don't know if it's that you don't see danger, or that you don't care, but you are fearless. You're a tough cookie too. You walked around almost a full day with a fractured collarbone before we realised something was wrong. You are an adventurer with an appetite for adrenaline, and because of it, I have enough concern for the both of us! In seriousness though, I hope that this courage stays with you your whole life, and that you will use it to stand up for the right thing. 

C is for... Clever Cloggs

Nothing gets past you. You are observant and attentive, and know far more about everyone else's business that you should. You remember the most unlikely things, and readily correct misinformation - even if the conversation does not involve you. Thanks to Zac and Sam, you really believe that you can read and do math.

D is for... Daddy

Your daddy is your hero, and you have had him wrapped around your finger since before you were born. He is fiercely protective over you, and regularly tells me how he dreads the thought of what your teenage years may be like. He always wants to make you happy - and you have learnt to use this to your advantage! At the end of the day though, you love him completely, and I'm so grateful for the bond you share. He is setting the standard of love for you - and it is high!

E is for... Ella

Ella is your BFF. You go to school together, and have been in the same class for two years. You are often found in close proximity to each other or doing activities together, and talk incessantly about each other at home. You often mention how miss Ella when you're apart, and lockdown was especially hard in this sense (thank the Lord for WhatsApp videos and voice notes). I could be wrong, but I think the best part about being back at school is being back with Ella.

F is for... Food

You can eat! I don't think I'm far off when I say you eat at least the same amount (if not more) that the boys do. You love healthy food, fast food, raw food, leftover food - all food! I won't lie: I'm feeling a little convicted to do more to ensure that you have good, healthy eating habits. I'm going to work on how to do this without killing the absolute joy food brings you.

G is for... Girlfriends

You have a posse of girls who you really love, and you already recognise the importance and value of having a group of girls who have your back. You are filled with encouragement for and from them, and look forward to time spent together, however few and far between those occasions may be. You were over the moon to have the girls around to share your birthday with you today.

H is for... Hair

When you were born, you had a decent head of hair. Somewhere soon after that your hair stopped growing, and for a long time you had this short front and sides, with longer bits growing behind. Finally, your hair has some shape (although it's still not that long for someone who has never had a haircut). You can now have ponytails, top knots, and even a plait. You have a specific teacher at school who takes hairdos to a next level, and you - almost daily - come home with an intricate creation on your head. It looks beautiful, but you best know that this is not something I can maintain for you.

I is for... Independence

It's hard to believe that you are (only) turning three. In some ways, you have been a big girl for a while already. You never used a bottle, you were mobile and vocal before you were one, and you have been out of diapers for almost a year already. You like to do things for yourself, be it tidying your room, getting dressed, or dishing food. Even with your arm in a sling, you didn't want a fuss or people helping you; you simply adapted to doing things with your left arm, and got on with it. 

J is for... Joy

Even as a baby, you hardly ever cried, and apart from the tears that accompany a tantrum (or the crocodile kind used for dramatic effect), you're pretty much still the same. You wake up happy, and go to bed happy. You are smiling at least 90% of the day, and have this full, hearty laugh that leaves you breathless as you throw your head back and squish your eyes into tiny slits. Your joy brings you freedom, and gives me hope.

K is for... Kind

You have a gift when it comes to speaking kind things to others, especially girls and women. Just the other day, while I was having a mild existential crisis in front of the mirror, you came up to me and said "Mama, we are beautiful, strong, smart, and kind". This is your mantra, and you live it. You are so quick to notice good things, and are generous with your compliments. You make any space better simply by being in it.

L is for... Learning

Much like both your brothers, you love learning. I have watched how you, full of pride, mimic Sam has he learns how to read, confidently sounding out "c-a-t is cat". And you love school. Allowing you to return to school, despite Covid and all, has been the best decision as you continue to thrive under the care and nurturing of your teachers. 

M is for... Mischief

You are a cheeky little monkey who is always up to something. You have turned being adventurous and being cute into a manipulative art that regularly saves you from timeout or certain death. 

N is for... Names

Choosing a name for you was an experience. We were particular about the selection, the meaning and the spelling. We did not ever expect to be calling you by your full name more often that not. You, Bayley Cate, are proof that the frequency which children are called by their full name is directly proportional to how often they get up to mischief. 

O is for... OCD

So maybe OCD is a little particular, but then so are you when it comes to having things a certain way. You become visibly distressed when things are not ordered the way they usually are / you would like them to be. For example: each morning, your pyjamas needs to be folded and packed away into your cupboard, and when you get home you have a specific place for your bag to go. I won't lie; I can relate to this, and I secretly rejoice that when you're a little older, you'll be able to keep everyone else in line so that I don't have to do it alone.

P is for... Peppa & George

You certainly enjoy your kids entertainment, and despite out best efforts to limit your screen time, you remain a huge Peppa Pig, Chip & Potato, and Rescue Riders fan. I do love how you sing the songs, and play with your Peppa and George dolls. Also, that slightly British accent you have sometimes is pretty darn cute.

Q is for... Queen

You may not have blue blood in your veins, but you certainly do rule the roost around here. You're the youngest and the smallest - with the fewest needs - but you have the boys (all three of them) at your beck and call. Fortunately though, you're good to them, and they love you. They really would do anything for you. You're a lucky girl.

R is for... Runway

I don't know where you get it, but you have some kind of inner schmodel that has broken out in full force this past year. You pose for pictures with one bent knee, and batt your eyelids with a pout on demand. Your life is a runway, and you, apparently, are the star. 

S is for... Social

You are, by far, my most social child. You are gregarious and charismatic, liberal with your affections, and   up to turning any event (or non-event) into a party. You live life fully. Your being alive is a celebration each day.

T is for... Triple Threat

In theatre terms a triple threat is someone who can act, dance, and sing. I don't know if there's any theatre coming up in your future, but you certainly do have a head start on these three things. You love imaginative games, dress up, and playing pretend. You also have the funniest little dance moves that you perform with confidence and enthusiasm. My favourite, though, is your sweet singing voice (the real one; not the one where you belt things out at 100db to get our attention).

U is for... Unstoppable

You are a force to be reckoned with. You know what you want, and how to get it, and you don't stand back. You are pioneering and larger than life, and I have no doubt that you will change the world somehow. I can't wait to see it.

V is for... Verbal Diarrhoea

Good grief, you can talk. Zac was pretty talkative as a toddler. Sam was the complete opposite. You, however, take the take. You wake up talking, and don't stop until you are in a deep sleep. Sometimes you even talk while you sleep. I am always fascinated by the topics you come up with, and the wide vocabulary you have developed seemingly out of nowhere. To be honest, I battle to remember a time when you couldn't talk...

W is for... Warrior

You may have your girly girl moments, but you are one hundred percent warrior as well. You are wonderfully wild - a fighter who is strong and steadfast. You wield both your sceptre and your sword with equal confidence and capability.

X is for... eXtra

In urban terms, extra refers to anything that is dramatic, excessive, or over the top - and you all these things. Between your big, expressive eyes, your loud, sassy mouth, and your gesticulations, you are theatrical to the point of comedy, and definitely get people's attention.

Y is for... Yogurt

This is a daily go-to for you. To be fair, your bothers quite enjoyed (still do) too, and your dad goes to bed with a bowl of yogurt almost daily, so maybe this is a family thing. You could basically eat this breakfast, lunch, or dinner without complaint.

Z is for... Zac & Sam

I always knew if I were to have a daughter after having Zac and Sam, they would be the most loved upon little sister the world. I was not wrong, and it seems the feeling is mutual. You speak of your big brothers with pride and admiration, and spare no expense in your affections for them. I often find you playing sport / games / make-believe with them, or hiding in their bed at night. You sure are blessed to have each other. 

This is the first third-birthday that we have had without a new baby too. I am torn between wanting to hold onto some baby, and wanting to get to know this big girl more. You are a treasure: my beautiful, smart, strong and kind, Bayley the Brave.

Happy birthday!

School: Covid Edition

Love him or hate him, our President is in an unenviable position. Let's be honest: he's damned if he does; damned if he doesn't, and today is just another day in which he'll face the onslaught in the wake of his address last night.

Schools: They fulfil the need for so much more than just education - and I don't mean that lightly; I'm an educator after all. For some they are the only place of safety. For even more they are the primary source of nutrition. They provide daycare in a time where even older kids cannot be left on their own. They foster friendships - some of them lifelong. They develop personalities, social interactions, and emotional growth. And they facilitate the acquisition and application of knowledge.

For the third time in lockdown, parents around the country are making arrangement for kids who, from Monday, can no longer go to school. For some it's a simple exercise of simply giving up some free time, or confirming with the office that they'll continue working from home. For others, it's a desperate situation that may cost them their jobs and/or livelihoods. I don't mean to downplay the former: I was doing online teaching from home for the initial lockdown and extension. While having the kids in the same space is possible, it's certainly not convenient or productive. My heart really goes out to the latter though. Before last week this was my fear because, from Monday, I am expected to be at work, in person, daily. Now with Andel home, at least I don't have to worry - but therein lies the problem: We are the minority. We are the privileged. What about those who have no other option?

In a twist in the tale, my school, because of its independent status, remains open. Let me not even start on the inherent injustices in this. We return to campus on Monday following our long break. I am usually anxious about returning anyway; add to this the complexities of school during a global pandemic, and I am surprised that I haven't fallen completely apart yet. Teaching as we know it will not be the same: we will balance in-contact and virtual teaching, live and asynchronously, and interactions will be limited, restricted, and impersonal. No doubt, the students returning will be a different version of the carefree teens I last saw in freedom in March.

So as we begin another month-long uncertainty regarding public education in this country, I'm reminded again of the strength, grace. and flexibility we require as we navigate this journey. God be with us all.

Moving Home & Other Stress

As though being smack-bang in the middle of a global pandemic weren't enough, we decided (well, not really) now would be a good time to move house too - one of the top 10 most stressful events one can go through in their lifetime

Interestingly, the other nine include: death, divorce / separation, major illness, job changes, imprisonment, marriage, financial troubles, retirement, and transitioning to adulthood.

So the (abridged version) story of our new home begins back around 18 months ago, and goes a little something like this:


February 2019: We decide to start house hunting for something bigger than a semi, with a little more space for the kids.

March 2019: We find a house we have peace about, with a back garden large enough to play cricket in, and put in an offer - but there is an existing offer on the house.

April 2019: The offer ahead of ours falls though, and our offer goes through pending the sale of our house.

April, May and June 2019: We nearly sell out house a couple of times, but the offers don't work out, and we don't feel entirely at peace about everything.

June 2019: We withdraw our offer, and take our house off the market. We are so ok with this decision, we literally don't give it any thought again until...


March 2020: We are hounded by an agent who wants to sell our house. We tell her we haven't been thinking about selling, but she insists on coming to visit, and does so the next day, with a buyer - and an immediate offer.

Also March 2020: We decide to check out some houses, just in case, knowing we are under no pressure to sell if we don't find something we want to buy.

Also March 2020: We find a house - wait for it - in the same road as the previous house! We put in a ridiculous offer, and again, there is an offer in ahead of ours.

Also March 2020: The country goes into lockdown.

April 2020: The offer ahead of ours falls through, and our offer is accepted.

April, May and June 2020: Due to lockdown things are slow, and no one really knows where anything is al. We are still ok with everything as we figure that all of this has pretty much fallen into our lap.

June 2020: We get a call on Monday, June 29 regarding our buyers who, due to giving notice on their place in April when the sale was contracted, have no place to move to. On Friday, July 3 we agree to a moving arrangement with our seller. The Monday we agree to a movement arrangement with our buyer. From that day, for four days straight we move - In the middle of Level 3 Lockdown. With three kids. Without any boxes (we couldn't get any under Corona conditions). At the same time this winter's biggest back-to-back storms blow into the Cape.

We made it in just as the first drops began to fall.

Moving out of our first family home

It's funny (not really), because moving house is just one of a couple Top 10 Most Stressful Events we are living through at the moment. Most of it (increased anxiety around death, physical separation, major illness, a type of imprisonment, and job changes) comes courtesy of Corona, but then we also a toddler with a broken collar bone, a new school year starting in August, and it's now public knowledge that 95% of Virgin Active South Africa's employees have been temporarily laid off (hibernating, they call it), so we have become a single-income family...

We have battled recently about pressure of being a "poster child" for the faith. We have been reminded that God knows, and is in, our reality, and so it's ok to be upset, tired, and genuine. Even Jesus, as He prayed in Gethsemane before His capture, felt that God was silent. BUT whole fast onto this Hope about where we are right now - not just physically where we are living, but also where we are in life. The sequence of events that led us here is so bizarre that there isn't any way we could have orchestrated any of this ourselves. That means that God, who is sovereign, and wants only good things for us, will continue to provide for what we need - what He has ordered for us.

ps. A couple days after that storm, when the sun came back out, the kids stepped out into their long await yard to play. As will we after this storm, I'm sure x

Pause

It has been a month since I last posted. To say that things have been busy would be a gross understatement, and to document it all, would definitely take more than one post. So for today I'm going to settle on a pause post - just to catch up.


I'm thinking about... the role and responsibility of the believer in the midst of this pandemic. There is so much negativity; I know we have to introduce the world to our Living Hope. But how? In the time of unreliable governments, corrupt public officials, unfair decisions that affect the very livelihood of people - it's difficult to see that Hope. And the favour of the Lord isn't fair either, so how do you explain that? I'm really trying to seek the Lord in wisdom so that I can honour our authorities and be moved to pray for them so that they can make good decisions on behalf of us all, and still call them out on their injustices until something happens. Easier said than done, I know.

I'm watching... Pokemon. I'm not kidding. And not by choice! I have not really been able to sit down to watch anything, and in order to get my own things done, I may or may not have allocated my kids a little more than two hours of screen time per day. Their viewing choice has focused mainly on this one franchise. And it's as though it's a comprehension exercise because, following each episode there is a post mortem of all the details. And heaven help me if I don't know the different between Lycanroc, Incineroar and Pichachu! I still don't get most of it, but if it's going to make my kids happy, I guess it's a small price to pay?

I'm listening to... (still) our Songs of Hope playlist on Spotify. It's on repeat, and it's setting the tone in our home for us to be expectant for God's hand to move in our situation. We are adding to it all the time, so at least there's a change in the rotation. I am also quite enjoying listening to my children's voices as they sing along (and keep singing long after the music has stopped). What a sweet, sweet sound it must be to the ears of Jesus.

I'm loving... cutting Zac's hair. For eight years, I didn't touch it. I was too afraid that I would wreck it completely, that I just forked out the money to have it cut to school regulation standards (until those regulations were changed, hallelujah!). During lockdown though, there wasn't anyone to cut Zac's hair, and after three months, when we were no longer able to see Zac's face, I took matters into my own hands. I started off really conservatively, and it wasn't great; but it was ok - enough to give me the confidence to try it again last week. And I'm pleased to say that I'm getting better! No chance I'm tackling Sam's hair though...

I'm busy... unpacking in our new home. Yes, we moved during lockdown (another post on that coming up soon). Who knew we could accumulate so much stuff?! And it's not all crap - a lot of it is stuff we actually need, use, and look after. Thank the Lord I am on a school break, because I have needed a week of whole days to get some functional home space set up here, and I'm still not done! I look forward to being able to fully call this place "home" soon.

I'm going to... start gardening. Sam has some serious green fingers, and I like things to be fresh, so I'm thinking of going with some herbs, and fruit and vegetables for now. This is something that I shouldn't be able to mess up - but you'd be surprised! If any of you have tips and tricks regarding how best to do this (we don't have much in terms of garden with soil and such, so I think we're going to go the planter-box route), please do share!

I'm battling with... being a good mom. It's a broad statement, I know, so let me qualify it. I was homeschooling the kids for 16 weeks before Zac (the first to go back) returned to school. A week later Bayley started school. Sam is home for another two weeks still. I have seen them in and out of every day, and somewhere between the familiarity of all that, we have gotten on each other's nerves. All to that the stress of everything that accompanies lockdown, and I have not been very patient with them. In fact, the gratitude I felt at having the opportunity to spend more time at home and with them has been overshadowed by the number of times I have shouted, retreated in defeat, not had the energy to play or engage, or just been unpleasant to be around. I really need to find a better, more consistent way to have my words and action mirror the love, care, and enjoyment that I feel for my kids in my heart.

I'm resolving to... get into a healthy routine. With me going back to on campus, in contact work next week, I can't still be living in my lockdown / virtual learning mode. Also, I don't think moms have ever felt more stressed and torn in the tug o' war between work and family like we do during this pandemic. I need to set up some structure that will allow me to take care of my physical, mental, and emotional health, while still getting around to doing everything that need to be done, well.