This is the final piece of the pregnancy puzzle. Please read part 1 and part 2 if you've not yet done so (it'll make loads more sense that way).
"Over the following months I wrote letters to family members, to other young couples, to Andel, and even to my boss. In
retrospect it is so clear that this lesson was one I was meant to learn
during this time, and I could not have moved on literally and figurative until I had, and so when I moved on, I left
with peace.
I received two more words in quick succession one
day. The one was from a family friend (a passage in Numbers) and the
other was from my colleague (a passage in Isaiah) both of which spoke of
coming favour, of trusting God to fulfill His promises, and to be
expectant of a blessing. I really thought I was on my way, that I had
done all that was asked of me, and that things would be falling into
place. But as these things sometimes happen: just when one area of life seems to be coming right, another is seemingly falling apart, and deep down I just knew we would have to wait longer because
God commands a blessing where there is unity, and at that time
we didn't have a consistent amount of that.
As we entered the month of August I was beginning to get antsy. Then one day I got this verse from a family friend: "Until now you have not asked for anything in My name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete"
John 16:24. I also happened to find, at that time, a blog record of
another Christian couple's battle with infertility. It's probably important to note here that, at the start of this year I
was obsessed with falling pregnant. I had an information supply on
pregnancy and fertility that could rival Google, and I would get into an
absolute tizz every time I got a negative pregnancy test or a visit
from Aunty Flo. As I read this other couple's
account, I realised our journey was very different: for one, we already
had Zac which meant we didn't (seem to) suffer the same desperation that
childless couples experienced. I also realised that in some ways, I was
not so much sad as I was hopeful: isn't it funny how sometimes just when you stop looking for something you find it? After getting to a place of acceptance - about having (or not) more children, and about my life in general - when God gave me the promise of another child, I just didn't consider that He would not make good on it eventually. I wondered at times if I was being too casual about the
whole thing. Sometimes there's such a fine line between trusting God
like a daddy, and taking His work in your life for granted...
Then, amazingly, a few days later I listened to a sermon on Psalm 119:49 "Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope"
in which it was emphasised that (a) we are to remind God of his
promises in boldness, and (b) we are to pray urgently, in faith. Was
this for me again? I initially felt like I was 'within my rights" to
apply this to my situation. Then I reminded myself that it had nothing
to do with rights. Quite simply, God had promised me, and His grace gave
me the freedom to both approach him in boldness, and expect some action
from Him, in faith.
On the 7th August we found out we are pregnant! Soli Deo Gloria!"
Looking back, there were so many physical (and some less so) signs. There were things that, quite eerily, happened almost identically to when I found out I was pregnant with Zac - and I don't think it was that I didn't see them, I think I was just being cautious. As much as this story paints a picture of big faith, there was most certainly a fair amount of doubt too. And yet, I distinctly remember feeling like God and I had this amazing secret. When I plucked up enough courage to take the test, those two purple lines brought forth a wave of so many emotions. Even after a blood test confirmed it, it still felt surreal, and for the next 6 weeks or so I found myself a little hesitant to accept it, and often paranoid about all the things that may be going wrong (we don't ever learn, do we?).
But here we sit now - 15 weeks in - and I'm beginning to get it:
Every baby is God's baby. As much as we have a great or not so great pregnancy; if we find ourselves strictly following the 'rules' or not; whether we deliver naturally or by c-section; when we breastfeed or don't - it has absolutely nothing to do with us! God's grace creates and sustains our children! And while we do have the immense responsibility of caring for and rearing our babies (both in utero and out), it's that same grace that equips, strengthens and guides us to do so. Each child has a divine purpose and story.
This is the beginning of ours...
Showing posts with label obedience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obedience. Show all posts
Monday, 13 October 2014
Friday, 10 October 2014
A Lesson in Obedience and Grace (part 2)
This is part two in a three part series on the story behind my second (current) pregnancy. If you've not yet caught the first instalment please read it here.
So far in the story, I've been diagnosed with infertility and I've tried the meds without success...
"At the end of May, while chatting to my friend via whatsapp one Saturday evening, she remembered about a photo that I'd sent our Life Group earlier in the week. It was a piece of paper that I'd found in my jacket pocket that she'd given to me at least a year before with the following reference on it: Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours". She told me how strange it was that she hadn't seen it before then, and that she and her husband had been talking about that very passage, and in particular the verse that follows "and when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your father in heave may forgive you your sins" and they had thought it was applicable to me. I accepted and thanked her for the message. I didn't tell her now it resonated with me immediately, for two reasons:
Firstly:
Earlier that month, just before Mother's Day, I had decided to write my mom a letter. My mom and I have never had an exceptionally close relationship, and we just always seemed on opposite ends of everything. By the time I was at university I'd become somewhat cavalier about it, and when I fell pregnant with Zac I made peace with the fact that I would just have a very different relationship with her. Still I wanted to ensure it did not negatively impact her relationship with Zac. My mother was never 'different' with Zac, I just didn't want him to experience any distance from her, courtesy of me - so I wrote her a letter. I acknowledged the status of our relationship, and wanted to let her know it was ok to be simply what it was. I told her how being a mother allowed me to now understand so much of what she had tried to do for us growing up, and I thanked for her role in my life. It turned out to be cathartic and incredibly significant: both relationships (my mother and Zac's, as well as my mother and mine) have since experienced such a drastic and miraculous positive change. I wish I'd done it sooner.
Secondly:
Just after Mother's Day, and in light of my letter to my Mom, my sister had bought me tickets to a women's breakfast and a parenting workshop hosted by Focus on the Family. We went to the women's breakfast - my first - together (because sitting in a room full of spirit-filled warrior women so much better than me was not really something I would voluntarily subject myself to, especially not alone, and I honestly think I was just expecting a feel-good experience). What should have been a 'generic' edification for all the women in the room, turned out to be a direct message from God, to me. As I listened to this speaker, I saw her words form a picture of a woman that upon closer inspection I recognised to be me. She spoke about the pursuit of perfection, wanting to do everything excellently - even heartily as unto the Lord - and in that, leaving no room for grace: No room for grace for others, and even more significantly, no room for grace for me. I realised I have spent the majority of my life doing just that - relentlessly chasing excellence for a sense of self-worth and acceptance, trying to 'please' God, and then feeling so short-changed when others who had done seemingly less than me, or done it in the 'wrong' way, received a reward exactly like mine (or worse - even better than mine!). It became clear to me that I had not yet really understood or accepted the principles of grace: While the law pushes us to achieve, arrive and accomplish, grace talks about humbly serving everyone else. While law disqualifies those who don't 'make it', grace invites everyone in, mess and all. While law brings justice, grace brings healing. Grace eradicates both justice and self-sufficiency. It is not forceful - we must ask for it. It does not make logical sense or demand a set criteria be met. It meets us where you are, without expectation. Grace is not interested in us meeting the standard. Grace is all about us meeting Christ. The penny was dropping, at last.
Two days after our whatsapp conversation my friend gave me another Word. I was starting to get excited about all God was revealing to me, and I wanted to tell Andel the full series of messages from her and from the breakfast. I wanted to forward our entire conversations, but my phone had lost all the messages when it had spontaneously rebooted, so I eagerly asked my friend to resend it. I was not prepared for what she replied. She sent this:
"I
feel God saying that this is your journey for now, you are to walk this
part alone with Him, He wants to show you great and unsearchable
things! Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own
understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your
paths straight (Prov 3:5-6)."
I was blown away. I so much wanted to share what was
going on, and yet, God was wanting this time exclusively with and for
me. In her first word she had originally said "...you've been hurt
and He sees that and loves you through that...He has delayed the second
born for a special time. He says He will reveal why soon, but you have
to trust Him, with all of your heart, and not lean on your own
understanding or logic!..." It was the same verse, and now it
kind of made sense. So I said nothing, and instead I started
documenting what was happening in order to explain it to Andel (and
others) later."
So far in the story, I've been diagnosed with infertility and I've tried the meds without success...
"At the end of May, while chatting to my friend via whatsapp one Saturday evening, she remembered about a photo that I'd sent our Life Group earlier in the week. It was a piece of paper that I'd found in my jacket pocket that she'd given to me at least a year before with the following reference on it: Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours". She told me how strange it was that she hadn't seen it before then, and that she and her husband had been talking about that very passage, and in particular the verse that follows "and when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your father in heave may forgive you your sins" and they had thought it was applicable to me. I accepted and thanked her for the message. I didn't tell her now it resonated with me immediately, for two reasons:
Firstly:
Earlier that month, just before Mother's Day, I had decided to write my mom a letter. My mom and I have never had an exceptionally close relationship, and we just always seemed on opposite ends of everything. By the time I was at university I'd become somewhat cavalier about it, and when I fell pregnant with Zac I made peace with the fact that I would just have a very different relationship with her. Still I wanted to ensure it did not negatively impact her relationship with Zac. My mother was never 'different' with Zac, I just didn't want him to experience any distance from her, courtesy of me - so I wrote her a letter. I acknowledged the status of our relationship, and wanted to let her know it was ok to be simply what it was. I told her how being a mother allowed me to now understand so much of what she had tried to do for us growing up, and I thanked for her role in my life. It turned out to be cathartic and incredibly significant: both relationships (my mother and Zac's, as well as my mother and mine) have since experienced such a drastic and miraculous positive change. I wish I'd done it sooner.
Secondly:
Just after Mother's Day, and in light of my letter to my Mom, my sister had bought me tickets to a women's breakfast and a parenting workshop hosted by Focus on the Family. We went to the women's breakfast - my first - together (because sitting in a room full of spirit-filled warrior women so much better than me was not really something I would voluntarily subject myself to, especially not alone, and I honestly think I was just expecting a feel-good experience). What should have been a 'generic' edification for all the women in the room, turned out to be a direct message from God, to me. As I listened to this speaker, I saw her words form a picture of a woman that upon closer inspection I recognised to be me. She spoke about the pursuit of perfection, wanting to do everything excellently - even heartily as unto the Lord - and in that, leaving no room for grace: No room for grace for others, and even more significantly, no room for grace for me. I realised I have spent the majority of my life doing just that - relentlessly chasing excellence for a sense of self-worth and acceptance, trying to 'please' God, and then feeling so short-changed when others who had done seemingly less than me, or done it in the 'wrong' way, received a reward exactly like mine (or worse - even better than mine!). It became clear to me that I had not yet really understood or accepted the principles of grace: While the law pushes us to achieve, arrive and accomplish, grace talks about humbly serving everyone else. While law disqualifies those who don't 'make it', grace invites everyone in, mess and all. While law brings justice, grace brings healing. Grace eradicates both justice and self-sufficiency. It is not forceful - we must ask for it. It does not make logical sense or demand a set criteria be met. It meets us where you are, without expectation. Grace is not interested in us meeting the standard. Grace is all about us meeting Christ. The penny was dropping, at last.
Two days after our whatsapp conversation my friend gave me another Word. I was starting to get excited about all God was revealing to me, and I wanted to tell Andel the full series of messages from her and from the breakfast. I wanted to forward our entire conversations, but my phone had lost all the messages when it had spontaneously rebooted, so I eagerly asked my friend to resend it. I was not prepared for what she replied. She sent this:
"I was very
ready to click copy but God stopped me. It's in your heart. He has
strengthened you and is equipping you to do what you are supposed to do,
just as He did before I sent the message. He says you know, and you
don't need a human reminder, so feel the supernatural reminder and
strength as we commit your heart and desires to Jesus and as all your
warrior sisters hold your arms high in the supernatural."
A
little later she contacted me again and went on to explain that I
needed to 'make right' with whomever has wronged me so that my womb and
my children could be free of resentment, bitterness and anger. After the
letter I had written to my Mom, this was simply another confirmation.
But I knew it wasn't finished, and I started thinking about more people I
needed to do a similar thing with.
I was literally sending Andel an email about it when I got one more message:
Tuesday, 7 October 2014
A Lesson in Obedience and Grace (part 1)
I think, for me, it always feels a little incomplete to announce a pregnancy without giving a bit of a story (this happened, and then I noticed this, and then suddenly I thought this...) and it's especially true in this case. This has been in the works for a while, and to give you the abridged version wouldn't really do the story justice. So I'm going to share the entire journey with you in a series of posts copied straight from the journal I kept. If that's not really your thing, please feel free to just browse past it. But for those who do read it, I trust that it'll spread hope and encourage faith, and that you'll be touched.
" Each year Andel and I create a wishlist of faith; things that we're trusting God for in the coming year. We love being able to tick off the list as God provides, and then look back and reflect on His timing and awesomeness. This year's list has five things: a house, a promotion/increase for both of us in our jobs, another baby and a family holiday...
Most of you know/know of Zac: the beautiful, strong-willed child that never seems to sit still, and loves playing the drums. There's little I love more than being a mother to him, so it's quite an emotional reflection for me to look back on my teens when everyone told me I wasn't the maternal type. People would comment about how I appeared the type of mother that would send my kids to boarding school - or have a nanny look after them for me. Truthfully it was a judgement that bothered and saddened me, and for years made me believe that I would never marry and have children. Then in my early twenties God made it very clear that I would have children, and I suddenly wanted four: boy, boy, girl, boy (don't ask me why it's like that - there's no logical explanation) before the age of 35. So when I fell pregnant with Zac at 28, two years after Andel and I got married, I figured children 2, 3 and 4 would follow relatively soon thereafter.
Then in March this year, after months of trying to fall pregnant, getting tested, monitoring cycles and having doctors check my system, I was officially diagnosed with idiopathic (unexplained) infertility. As a healthy, 30 year old woman, there was no physiological reason that I should not have been able to fall pregnant, and yet my progesterone levels were less than 10% of what a normal ovulating woman's levels should be. Quite simply: all evidence was pointing to the fact that I was not producing eggs to be fertilised. I'm not sure why we took it so lightly (perhaps we were in denial) but we told only three people: a colleague, my sister and another friend in our life group. The intention was that they would be able to pray for and with me. We chose not to tell our families.
I was advised to go on some medication to aid fertility. Despite the doctor's diagnosis I still believed that God would be able to work a miracle, and after prayer and discussion we decided to try the meds. We were comfortable with the fact that should something happen, it would be God, not the meds. But nothing happened. Around ovulation time that month I was in excruciating pain. We asked those three friends to pray with us again. It was then that my friend contacted me. She said she was so sorry, that she hadn't been obedient before, and that she had to be now. She told me that God had revealed to her weeks before that I should not take the meds. She explained that she had asked for another sign, and when God didn't give her one, she had left it. When I told her of my pain though, she was immediately reminded about it, and was told once again to tell me to stop the meds. And along with that instruction God gave her a whole message for me: it included how much He loved me and how well He knew me, and that my personality (being a scientist and all) would force me to try the meds before agreeing to go off them; how I had been hurt before, and how our second born was being delayed for a purpose. (I don't have the exact message because I lost it when my phone rebooted soon after). I very briefly (and vaguely) shared the message with Andel and stopped the meds that day - amazingly without any questions from the doctor. I felt God had graciously allowed all the medical professionals to step back, without me having to explain. Truthfully, when I think back to taking my first dose, I clearly remember hesitating just a little... "
" Each year Andel and I create a wishlist of faith; things that we're trusting God for in the coming year. We love being able to tick off the list as God provides, and then look back and reflect on His timing and awesomeness. This year's list has five things: a house, a promotion/increase for both of us in our jobs, another baby and a family holiday...
Most of you know/know of Zac: the beautiful, strong-willed child that never seems to sit still, and loves playing the drums. There's little I love more than being a mother to him, so it's quite an emotional reflection for me to look back on my teens when everyone told me I wasn't the maternal type. People would comment about how I appeared the type of mother that would send my kids to boarding school - or have a nanny look after them for me. Truthfully it was a judgement that bothered and saddened me, and for years made me believe that I would never marry and have children. Then in my early twenties God made it very clear that I would have children, and I suddenly wanted four: boy, boy, girl, boy (don't ask me why it's like that - there's no logical explanation) before the age of 35. So when I fell pregnant with Zac at 28, two years after Andel and I got married, I figured children 2, 3 and 4 would follow relatively soon thereafter.
Then in March this year, after months of trying to fall pregnant, getting tested, monitoring cycles and having doctors check my system, I was officially diagnosed with idiopathic (unexplained) infertility. As a healthy, 30 year old woman, there was no physiological reason that I should not have been able to fall pregnant, and yet my progesterone levels were less than 10% of what a normal ovulating woman's levels should be. Quite simply: all evidence was pointing to the fact that I was not producing eggs to be fertilised. I'm not sure why we took it so lightly (perhaps we were in denial) but we told only three people: a colleague, my sister and another friend in our life group. The intention was that they would be able to pray for and with me. We chose not to tell our families.
I was advised to go on some medication to aid fertility. Despite the doctor's diagnosis I still believed that God would be able to work a miracle, and after prayer and discussion we decided to try the meds. We were comfortable with the fact that should something happen, it would be God, not the meds. But nothing happened. Around ovulation time that month I was in excruciating pain. We asked those three friends to pray with us again. It was then that my friend contacted me. She said she was so sorry, that she hadn't been obedient before, and that she had to be now. She told me that God had revealed to her weeks before that I should not take the meds. She explained that she had asked for another sign, and when God didn't give her one, she had left it. When I told her of my pain though, she was immediately reminded about it, and was told once again to tell me to stop the meds. And along with that instruction God gave her a whole message for me: it included how much He loved me and how well He knew me, and that my personality (being a scientist and all) would force me to try the meds before agreeing to go off them; how I had been hurt before, and how our second born was being delayed for a purpose. (I don't have the exact message because I lost it when my phone rebooted soon after). I very briefly (and vaguely) shared the message with Andel and stopped the meds that day - amazingly without any questions from the doctor. I felt God had graciously allowed all the medical professionals to step back, without me having to explain. Truthfully, when I think back to taking my first dose, I clearly remember hesitating just a little... "
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