Momster

I recently saw a post on social media inviting people to complete the following sentence:

"I'm a good parent, but..."

It was intended kind of half jokingly, but it quickly brought to my mind the things that detract from being a good mom:

- being impatient
- working late (and working weekends, home and at work) too often
- raising my voice too soon, too much
- not being able to give my kids more undivided attention
- being too much of a disciplinarian
- not being relaxed and fun enough

The list goes on, but I think you get it.

I ended up completing the sentence as follows:

"I'm a good parent, but... I'm stuck in the rat race trying to provide for my kids, and I'm not brave enough to give it all up to spend more time with them. As a result, they are not getting my best."

I'm sure I'm not the only parent who feels this way, and I understand the constraints under which we are all trying to balance providing for the (financial) needs of our dependents, and being there (physically) to actually enjoy them and the life that we share. Still, I have to wonder: how did it get to this?

When each of my kids were born, I could sense the overwhelm immediately - such love and responsibility, all rolled into one. It was never once my intention to be a mom that was anything but loving and caring. I was committed to being my best. And yet, here I am: yelling like a banshee, rolling my eyes, pulling my hair out, hiding in the bathroom, cursing under my breath, sometimes physically restraining myself from applying the rod of correction to the seat of their understanding - and often times not succeeding in my restraint. And all they see is: Momster.

And I don't like it one bit. That's why I've put this up here; so that I can be accountable. Because it's not actually ok. It's not who I want to be, it's not what I want to model for them, and not what they deserve. I can do better, and I must.

All helpful tips and encouragement welcome. All day. Every day.