Unspoil Your Child: The Notes

Earlier this week we attended Focus on the Family's "Unspoil Your Child" with Hettie Brittz, and once again, she did not disappoint! So in an attempt to share (and remember, later on) some of what was taught, I thought I'd post on the blog some of the notes I made on the different types of spoiling.

Hettie identified ten main areas of spoiling and pointed out that, based on your child's temperament, they are more likely to be spoilt in certain areas that in others:

• Palm Trees (fun-loving talkers) are most likely to be spoilt in the areas of Pleasure, Entertainment, Quick-fix and Branding.
• Rose Bushes (challenging leaders) tend to spoil with Privileges, Choices, Quick fixes and Attention (selfishness).
• Lollipop Trees (perfectionist achievers) get spoilt for Privileges, Choices, Possessions and Attention (selfishness).
• Pine Trees (peace-keeping friends) spoil when given too much Comfort, Privacy, Possessions and Attention (selfishness)

(For more detailed information on the different tree type profiles go here or check out the website)


Here is more detail on each:

1. Privileges = a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people (understanding that it is not a right)

• Too much privilege leads to Entitlement
• The cure for too much privilege is to be given responsibility and do favours for others
• e.g. your teen wants (and could do it) a laptop so you agree to each pay half

2. Pleasure = the feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment

• Too much pleasure leads to Hedonism and Over-indulgence (and a predisposition to addiction)
• The cure for too much pleasure is to practise restraint and understand when it's enough
• e.g. insist on kids using their  'boredom' to become creative and discourage constantly needing a fix

3. Privacy = the state or condition of being free from being observed or disturbed by other people

• Too much privacy leads to believing that what no one else knows won't hurt them - and sinning in the dark
• The cure for too much privacy is purity and accountability
• e.g. no passwords on any devices, and allowing full access to parents (i.e. no deleted message etc.)

4. Possession = the state of having, owning, or controlling something

• Too many possessions leads to ingratitude and materialism
• The cure for too many possessions is sharing and simplicity
• e.g. encouraging giving away new, loved and still valuable things to others

5. Branding = assign a brand name to / having identity established in how one looks or dresses, instead of Christ's image and without development encouraged by fathers

• Too much importance on branding leads to idolatry and identity crises
• The cure for too much importance on branding is to have a strict budget and develop authentic identity
• e.g. giving your child a small allowance for clothing, encouraging them to spend wisely

6. Comfort = a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint

• Too much comfort leads to a lack of character and compassion for others
• The cure for too much comfort is to stretch your frustration tolerance
• e.g. do not rush to minimise the discomfort or inconveniences your child may experience, but rather use it as an opportunity to enlighten them of the plight of others, and to teach them to adapt

7. Entertainment = the action of providing or being provided with constant amusement or enjoyment

• Too much entertainment leads to callousness and inattentiveness
• The cure for too much entertainment is to encourage creativity and insist of periods of silence
• e.g. breakaways without any technology

8. Choice = an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities

• Too many choices lead to inflexibility and disobedience
• The cure for too many choices is to insist on compliance and instill consequences for misbehaviour
• e.g. setting clear boundaries (especially between 18 and 36 months of age)

9. Quick Fixes = an easy remedy or solution, especially a temporary one which fails to address underlying problems

• Too many quick fixes leads to poor impulse control
• The cure for too many quick fixes includes employing waiting periods and encouraging participation in long term projects
• e.g. helping your child plan and start to save for a long term dream (however big it is and however small the contribution and progress appears)

10. Attention (selfishness) = notice taken of someone or something and regarding of someone or something as interesting or important; lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure

• Too much attention leads to selfcentredness
• The cure for too much attention is to cultivate wonder and community
• e.g. regularly expose your child to situations where they are not the centre of attention, and limit the ways in which you encourage them to feel as though they are

Going over this again now, I realise this is a lot to take in, process and implement! I also have to admit that, this is not exclusive to kids, and many times we are responsible for modeling and encouraging these very indulgences. What an immense responsibility we have to grow our saplings into kids of character: Joyful Givers (palm trees), Justice-seeking Leaders (rosebushes), Problem Solvers (lollipop trees) and Peacemakers (pine trees). I'm so thankful to have the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the wise teaching of people like Hettie Brittz who can partner with us along the way!