To say that I am tired is a grave understatement. I am not simply knackered; I am broken. My eyes are on fire, and I can feel my nasal bridge vibrating to the sound of the lawnmower cutting the grass outside my office window.
It started Sunday night, and I figured it was my fault. I returned to work yesterday, and I am not a Monday person. In fact, my Monday blues often begin around noon on Sunday already. On a Sunday afternoon you will find me at home, physically getting things ready, and mentally preparing myself for the week ahead. I'll seek some kind of temporary comfort (usually in food), and go to bed early. This weekend though, we we busy Saturday afternoon, had a church farewell on Sunday for lunch which ran unto tea time, and then a family birthday tea which we ended up leaving at 22h00. I was actually quite proud of myself (because I do recognise that my family prefers the holiday version of me anyway).
When I got into bed at 23h00, I was already tired, so I expected to fall asleep easily. I didn’t. In fact, I tossed and turned for an hour before finally drifting off. It was short-lived though. Cape Town has had a pretty mild summer so far; the weather only really got hot on Saturday - and it was still there Sunday night. It was so uncomfortable that Andel actually got up at 02h00 to get something to drink and open the sliding door in our bedroom. That, and the mosquitoes the open door invited in, was all it took for me to rouse, and despite my desperate attempts to go back to sleep, I only got about an hour’s sleep before getting up for work.
Last night I was determined to go to sleep a little earlier, and I did - even after more goodbyes - only to be woken at 02h00 again. There was less heat, no open doors or visiting mosquitoes, and yet I still lay there awake. I eventually just got up at 04h30 - but not before realising something significant. You see, sometimes we may think or believe something, and we are so convincing, even to ourselves, that we don’t recognise all the signs pointing to the contrary.
I have been pretty stoic the last while regarding Zac’s departure. I’ve resumed my juggling act of being employed, espoused, and endowed with children - but really, my sleepless nights are reminding me of the change in season that is, now, 2 days away. As I considered this, in the middle of the night, I went before the Lord - not because I was sad or worried, but because I wanted to hear from Him. He did not disappoint. As I picked up my phone to check the time, my social media was open, and on my screen read a post from someone I don’t even know personally:
God knows, man. Even the things we may not yet know, He knows, and He is there working all things out for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Amen! 💖
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